Blog Archives

Good news and what responses tell us

11/30/2015

Most of us at one point or another have shared good news only to be taken aback by the response of our partner, friends, coworkers, or family. Believe it or not, the way people respond to exciting news is an indicator of how healthy relationships are. I’m going to share possible response types using examples from three different scenarios.
1) 40+ year old sharing about being pregnant
2) teacher returning from job fair sharing about a job offer in Dhaka, Bangladesh
3) successful person in 40s choosing to go to grad school to change career paths

Active Constructive

Pregnant and over 40? How amazing is that? This is the most exciting news I’ve heard in awhile. You are going to be an amazing parent. When are you due?
Moving to Dhaka? Is that in Bangladesh? Oh man, I’ve seen a few cool documentaries about Bangladesh. It’s going to be such an adventure. When are you moving? What have you heard about the school?
I just heard you got accepted into grad school. You’ve chosen the perfect field for you. I can’t wait to hear how you find your courses.

This person feels your excitement and genuinely wants more details.

Passive Constructive

So you’re pregnant. Hm.
Dhaka will be interesting.
Grad school will be a good challenge.

This person shows understated support without sharing the excitement.

Active Destructive

Are you nuts? I had my kids at 25 and couldn’t keep up. Brace yourself because you won’t sleep for the next few years and you are seriously going to age quickly.
You clearly don’t know anything about that place. I’ve heard that Dhaka is not safe and you’ll be sick all of the time. Don’t you think you are a bit too sensitive to move there? Why would anyone move to Dhaka who has a choice?
How do you think you are going to manage going to grad school while teaching full time? What’s worse, imagine the expense considering it’s a US university. It’s not like when you finish you are guaranteed more money. Seems like a waste of time and money to me.

This person is critical, demeaning, and/or pessimistic.

Passive Destructive

Did you know that I got a new bike yesterday? I can’t wait to do a biking/camping trip this summer.
I almost forgot to tell you, my daughter lost a tooth yesterday.
So, are we going for coffee tomorrow morning or not?

This person ignores the news and the feelings associated.

As you can see, the response types are quite different and say plenty about the relationship. People who find their partner to be active and constructive report:

fewer conflicts
higher levels of satisfaction
more intimacy and trust
engaging in more relaxing and fun activities together
feeling validated, understood, and cared for (Colman,2010).

Active constructive responding truly benefits all types of relationships. The response of others when good news is shared is more telling about a relationship than the type of response given when negative news is shared. As many of your colleagues head off to job fairs and return with jobs in new countries, this is an interesting time to do some people watching. People inevitably will ask where a colleague is going next. The responses to the news being shared varies greatly and speaks volumes about the health of each relationship.
Seek to share exciting news with the people in your life who respond in an active constructive way. Be mindful of your own responses to the news others share with you. Strive to be an active constructive responder and watch your relationships improve.

Colman, Jessica. "Active Constructive Responding." Optimal Functioning: A Positive Psychology Handbook. Revised ed. Booknook.biz, 2010. Print.

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It's that time of year. Reduce stress in 20 min or less.

11/17/2015

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This is the time of the year where you find yourself asking how you managed to let things get so far out of control? Every year at this time it's the same old deadlines at work, the same build up to a school break, and for many the holiday season is upon you. I could hit on many issues with this post, like procrastination, commercialism, snapping at coworkers, planning where to travel, time management, and so on. I'm going to focus on some simple ways for you to quickly find balance and manage your own stress so you feel better and do not become a stressor for others. I'm certain your kids, partner, coworkers, roommates, and/or friends deserve the best you.

I like to use PIES (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Social) as an easy way for you to learn to do a quick self-check on your well-being. Once you get the hang of this, as soon as you feel stress taking over, you can get yourself back on track. Better yet, use this regularly to avoid the build up of stress in the first place. First click on the chart provided by helpguide.org showing typical signs of stress. Understand that we are wired to respond to danger so stress serves a purpose. The problem is that some of us keep ourselves in a "fight or flight" state when not in any danger. This can have serious repercussions on overall health. So, how do we use PIES to keep our stress in check?

Let's say that you know you're not dealing well with stress. You feel yourself clenching your jaw, have tension in your neck, and feel tightness in your chest. The reality is that your grades are due in a few days, you haven't finished marking all of the work, you have one family of your cross cultural world irritated that you are not heading their way, and you just snapped at your favorite colleague.
Download and begin using the chart I created below to keep track of all of the self-care related activities you do over the next week. Look for areas you've let slide and get yourself back on track. Be mindful of your unhealthy behaviors when stressed, like increased alcohol/nicotine/caffeine intake, getting sucked into other people's negativity, over-committing to social events, or pulling all-nighters.

pies.xlsx
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Because time is an issue this time of year, I'm listing below some ideas below that you can implement in 20 minutes or less. Many of these cross over into more than one category. Below I will include a few links to get you started.
Physical - Eat healthy food, walk to a spot where you can soak in some nature, take the dog on a walk, take a power nap, try a breathing exercise, complete a 7-minute workout

Intellectual - Have a quick attempt at a chat in your host language, spend a bit of time on an online course that really interests you, research a travel destination, start the mindfulness app you downloaded, read the book that has been sitting untouched on your nightstand for a year, try brain training exercises

Emotional - Watch one episode of a series that makes you laugh/cry, contact a close friend or family member, journal, work on an art piece or poetry; send some gratitude to deserving people, use nature sounds to try a visualization, do a random act of kindness

Social - Meet up with close friends during a work break, take a break with friends to listen to a few favorite songs, send friends a funny YouTube clip, try a group hug, get some colleagues together for a quick workout, plan a simple event for after all of your deadlines are met.

Take a Break App for Apple or Android - 7 min work break or 13 min stress relief (my favorite)

Brain training

So you ask, how can I add anything more to my plate when I'm already stressed? Chances are that if you are stressed you are not overly productive right now. By relieving stress in a variety of ways, you will see that your mind clears. Get some balance!
Take care, Sharon

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I like to share brief, researched tips to help people lead a balanced life. Typically I send ideas via emails to expat teachers or students where I work. I've decided to share to a larger audience. While some parts of my blogs will clearly be geared toward expat educators, many shared ideas will be generic tips that apply to anyone.