Responses to your good news

When you have exciting news, who are the first people you tell? Most of us at one point or another have shared good news only to be surprised by the response of our friends or family. The way people respond to your news is telling about how positive the relationship is.
To teach you about this, I’m going to share possible response types using examples from three different scenarios.

1. scoring the top mark on an exam
2. sharing news about moving to a new country
3. getting accepted to first choice for university

Active Constructive

1. How exciting! I’m not surprised. You always give your all in class and I know you study hard at home. I’d like to hear more about how you study at home so I can try to challenge you next time.
2. Wow! You are so lucky to get to move around to experience different cultures. I plan to move around when I’m older so make sure you keep in touch and share with me how you like your new location.
3. Wonderful! All of your hard work truly paid off. If anyone deserves this opportunity, it’s you. I can’t wait to hear about your experiences once you get there.

This person feels your excitement and genuinely wants more details.

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Passive Constructive

1. You did well.
2. So you’re moving to a new country.
3. I heard you got accepted by your top choice.​

​This person shows understated support without sharing the excitement.

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Active Destructive

1. I don’t think that exam was fair. I studied as hard as you did and the questions weren’t aligned with what we were told to study. The teacher likes you so you probably got more information than we did.
2. Why doesn’t your family just stay put? I don’t think it’s very healthy to move and leave your friends behind. I’d never want a life like you have.
3. I’m guessing you have family connections or they could tell you have a lot of money. No one gets into that school without some insider connection. Sorry, but you know it’s true.

This person is critical, demeaning, and/or pessimistic.

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Passive Destructive

1. I can’t wait until the end of term.
2. My mom and I had the worst fight last night.
3. Did you see what she was wearing today?

This person ignores the news and your feelings.

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The response types above are clearly quite different and say plenty about the health of the relationship. You will find that with the people who respond to you in an active constructive way, you will:

• have fewer conflicts
• experience higher levels of happiness
• develop stronger trust levels
• engage in more relaxing and fun activities together
• feel accepted, understood, and cared for (Colman, 2010).

Do your best to share your exciting news with the people in your life who respond in an active constructive way. You know who they are! Be mindful of your own responses to the news others share with you. Watch your friendships grow as you share your friends' excitement while asking for more details.

Colman, Jessica. "Active Constructive Responding." Optimal Functioning: A Positive Psychology Handbook. Revised ed. Booknook.biz, 2010. Print.
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