Sexual Education - Relationships

Daily I see young adults in schools trying to figure out how to have healthy friendships and relationships. For some these relationships seems to come easily and for others there is a genuine struggle.I'd like to steer you in the direction of making all types of relationships easier for you so I'm going to share what I see in the teen relationships that are healthy. I will also be pointing out red flags I see that tell me a person is in an unhealthy situation which can often mean there is emotional or physical abuse. 

Friendships

First, it's helpful to know that there are a few types of friendships.
4 types of friendships:

• Acquaintances - Peers you see often but do not necessarily share personal information with
• Casual - Share some information but very cautiously 
• Agenic - Develop strong bonds and share common goals, like winning games or pulling off a theatrical performance
• True - Express real emotions, trust and relate openly with each other, are supportive and empathic, forgive, are reliable, and want the best for each other (O'Grady)

In school you will likely have each type of friendship mentioned above. Learning to collaborate with casual friends and acquaintances is important preparation for the real world. Don't underestimate the importance of agenic friends who are with you and encouraging you through tough challenges. All are important but clearly there is nothing like finding a true friend or two. 

(Gibbons)

Establishing healthy friendships is key when you are trying to navigate challenges of school, family life, extracurricular activities, and more. You might notice that the people you have as friends changes as you mature, but what should you experience in your friendships to reassure you that the friendship is a genuine and balanced one? How do you go about making friends, especially if you are shy? One thing I would suggest is that you closely observe and mimic the peers who have close friendships (notice I did not emphasize peers who are most popular). What you will notice is that true friends tend to behave in certain ways with one another. True friends:

• ask questions like, "How was your weekend?" or "Did you enjoy the movie you went to see last night?" Not only do they ask questions showing interest, they genuinely care to hear the answers.
• smile and laugh when they are around each other. True friends do not cause unnecessary stress and drama, nor do they drain a friend's batteries with their negativity. 
• appreciate having other friend groups. Possessiveness can be a sign of an abusive relationship. 
• give each other space. Sure, they might prefer being around each other but when they are not, they do not incessantly text, call, and check up on each other. They do not try to make others feel guilty.
• notice a struggling friend and help find the right support. Friends know when the support needed is beyond their capabilities.
• share interests and encourage each other to try healthy, new activities. If the new activity doesn't go well, they are the first to congratulate a friend for taking a risk. True friends do not pressure each other to take unhealthy risks.
• don't seek information so they can share the information with others. People who gossip are lacking maturity and trust me, this maturity to keep information confidential does not necessarily come with age. When someone gossips a great deal, they are proving incapable of keeping people's private information confidential. If someone gossips about others incessantly, don't think they will treat you differently.
• are aware when a friend is not balanced. "Hey, you look like you haven't slept in three days, do you need to talk? I'm worried about you?"
• allow each other to express their uniqueness. Better yet, they encourage each other to show their true colors.
• pick each other up during tough times. 
• treat other friend groups with respect. They don't bully others because they are secure with their self and in their own group.
• understand that people make mistakes, learn from them, apologize, and move on.

What else do you notice about true friends? How can you learn from them? Is there a safe group of true or agenic friends for you to approach if you are struggling to make friends? 

---

Problem Zone

At times you might find that a friendship has taken a turn and maybe your other friends or your family suggest that you need to re-evaluate the relationship. Something in your gut probably tells you they are right but it's not always easy to end a friendship. The video by Watchwellcast gives pointers for how you can spot and end a toxic friendship.

Dating

(Tomak)

 Okay, here is a trickier topic because giving advice on this topic can really vary based on cultural backgrounds. I will start by saying that your parents have likely laid out values for you and have determined when or if you are allowed to date. What does dating even mean at the various ages? Again, this can vary greatly from family to family or culture to culture. 
Before considering dating, I would start by saying that I think you should check that you are:

• able to manage strong friendships.
• confident and assertive.
• involved in many activities you enjoy.
• able to communicate clearly and effectively.
• clear in what you want in a dating relationship.

When you have a person in mind you would like to date, check that they tick the points above, as well. Why is this important? If a person you like doesn't have their own activities, you could easily become the focus of all of this person's attention. That might sound appealing but in a short time it might feel very overwhelming, as you might find this person insisting on your full attention at all times. If you are not assertive or able to communicate clearly, you could have difficulty setting boundaries and sticking to them. If the other person doesn't have solid friend groups, you might find this person not liking you hanging out with your friends. Think about an unhealthy relationship you've seen, I guarantee you that you will be able to notice  some of the strengths above are lacking.

---

Keep it simple

If you do decide to start dating, keep it simple. Meet each other in mixed sex groups of friends who are and are not dating. When you hang out in this arrangement, you can have fun and there isn't a constant pressure of what you should be doing. One of the things I truly like about international schools is that there seems to be far less pressure to date and more appreciation for hanging out in friend groups. Sure, some of the people from upper grades in the group might be dating but they're interacting with everyone in the group, not smothering each other nor isolating themselves. Group members seem to raise red flags of concern if a couple is being too clingy with one another. Typically this type of arrangement lets everyone in the group grow into their own person and develop their own sense of self worth and identity. I see far fewer abusive relationships with students who hang out in groups.
If you do decide as an older student to get more serious, I like to look at Sternberg Triangles as means of teaching you to figure out what you want in a loving relationship and how to set boundaries.

Sternberg Triangles

(Sternberg Triangle Theory of Love)

(Zoe)

Think about relationships you see in your every day life, including those you see in movies or on TV. Try to determine which type of relationship the couples have based on the triangles above. First, let's explain the three components of relationships:
Intimacy - feeling of closeness, affection, warmth, familiarity, close attachment
Passion - powerful feeling of sexual attraction, intense desire
Commitment- dedicated, devoted, loyal
If we look at consumate love, you can see this type of couple would have intimacy, commitment, and passion; whereas, couples with infatuation only have passion. Spend some time looking at each type of relationship. Do you recognize each type of couple in the people you know?
The clip below is one that many of us adore. Ellie and Carl started out as good friends and their relationship grew into consumate love. Notice, though, that when they hit hard times, often the passion was likely missing but the commitment and intimacy never wavered. At those times, they had companionate love. 
The idea here is not to judge relationships but more to help you understand that at different points of people's lives, different relationships might be more appealing. Maybe someone who was married ten years and is getting a divorce does not want a commitment but wants passion and intimacy. You might hear a university aged student say she doesn't want commitment or intimacy but wants passion. Again, some cultures would see the value in each type of relationship while others would not. Some insist on nonlove until marriage; you know your values.
In a relationship, it's important to set clear boundaries with the person you like. Here is where communication and assertiveness come into play. For example, "We're in 8th grade so I want you to know that I'm happy to hang out in groups and hold your hand but that's as far as this is going to go." An older student might say, "I'm very clear in where I want to go in my future so I need you to understand that at this point I'm not interested in a sexual relationship." Or, "I know you want to take the next step but I need time to think about that. Please don't pressure me about this until I have time to make a good decision for me." Perhaps another example, "I can't believe you asked me to send you a sext. I find that very disrespectful so don't ask me again." Something tells me this fifth grader, Zoe, has the assertive communication piece in place. 

---

(Pixar)

In the next blog, I'll talk about sex. Take time between now and then to learn about the different types of relationships and start having discussions with your parents about their hopes for you in terms of relationships. Remember that you have a lot of time for serious relationships. Your teen years should be about having fun with friends and building your interests and confidence. Any serious relationships should also be friendships that do not hold you back.

Resources you, your  parents, and teachers should explore

Check where your dating relationship falls on the spectrum
Quizzes on healthy relationships, being a good partner, knowing if abusers can change, and helping the abused
John Hopkins - The Teen Years Explained (excellent guide for young adults, parents, and teachers)
Educator toolkits for helping middle school and high school teens establish healthy relationships
Parent tips for when teens should date
Relationships 101 - basics for dating relationships
Helping a child with a toxic friendships
Social media and teen relationships by Pew Research Center - US based data but good info

5th Grader Relationship Rules and Regulations. Zoe tells Noah how it is. Daily Mail, 21 Sept. 2016, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3799486/Sassy-fifth-grader-s-note-boy-class-goes-viral.html. Accessed 2 Nov. 2016.
Leitch, Heather, and Monica 9. “Teens & the Relationship ABCs.” Sutter Health, 2015, http://www.pamf.org/teen/abc/types/friends.html. Accessed 11 Sept. 2016.
O’Grady PhD, Patty. “Friendship: The Key to Happiness.” Psychology Today, Psychology Today, 1991, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/positive-psychology-in-the-classroom/201210/friendship-the-key-happiness. Accessed 11 Sept. 2016.
Sternberg Triangle Theory of Love. Looking at intimacy, passion, and commitment in relationships. 3 Jan. 2009, http://www.drgaramoni.com/blog_living_your_whole_life_well_files/triangle.gif. Accessed 28 Oct. 2016.
watchwellcast. “Toxic People: How to End a Bad Relationship.” YouTube, 4 May 2013, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPwck0EQkgs. Accessed 11 Sept. 2016.
xXJEashXx, pixar. “Favorite Pixar’s up Scene Ever - Ellie and Carl’s Relationship Through Time, Sad Scene.”YouTube, 22 Mar. 2010, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2bk_9T482g. Accessed 30 Oct. 2016.