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Let's get real about the maltreatment of women and children

7/10/2016

As a teacher and counselor, I can tell you that I've had far too many days where it took everything in me to keep my composure while in front of children and teens. There are times that I've heard such heart-wrenching stories that I have literally fallen apart in front of peers, or if lucky, I've managed to hold it together until I've walked through the door of my home. Children and teens of every society are vulnerable and at times they witness their moms being in helpless situations, as well. In many societies, there is still often no way out. As an example, in Bangladesh, 87% of married women will be victims of abuse by their husbands and the country is ill-equipped with services to help (Corraya, 2014). Don't think for a moment the abuse ends with the wife. To make matters worse, financial laws are in favor of men. In 2013, the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry of Japan reported that 73,765 cases of abuse were handled by their child services (Ito). Reporting is up but that does not necessarily equate to help. In a conference I attended in Tokyo on helping abused children, counselors and teachers were told to encourage children to report their own parents for abuse because if a child reported the abuse, the help happened much more swiftly. In Germany and the US, social services exist but the social workers are often overwhelmed. In Mauritius, as in many places, abuse is often not reported due to cultural stigma (Lexpress, 2007). In the expat scene, abused trailing partners and children are often in very vulnerable positions if they are in a country on dependent Visas with the trailing partner having no financial means.
Why do I share this with you? Regardless of where I have lived, women and children often live in trying circumstances and have no way out, or the way out is not promising. I do not mean to imply that men are never victims, especially if they are homosexual or transgender, nor do I want to make light of the seriousness of men's issues. My focus for this post will be on women, children, and teens, as statistics warrant this being presented as a separate issue; however, many of the links I share also include statistics about men.
My goal with this post is to maybe help you to help the children and the women we love live as safe and healthy a life as possible. We can't be with our own children all day, every day and we can't take our most troubled students home with us. We can try to prepare them with tools and knowledge and ensure they know we are their best partners in life. We can look out for the struggling children in our communities. I venture to say that one of the biggest mistakes we make, though done with the best of intentions, is trying to keep our own children in a bubble. Accurate, timely information is key, and as adults, we need to start discussing these taboo topics with one another more honestly and openly. I'm going to provide you with the information to get these discussions started.

Infants, toddlers, and pre-schoolers

Teach your children the appropriate words for their body parts. Read the body safety books listed in the "Resource" section to your children.
Screen all people who care for your children, work, or live in your home. All of them, including potential step-parents. If you live somewhere where background checks mean something, insist on one or pay for it yourself because it's the best money you will spend. If you live somewhere where background checks are a joke, personally talk to everyone who has previously hired this person to work with their children. If their children are old enough, have a casual chat about what they liked best about the person. If you live in an expat bubble, don't be foolish and think you know better than everyone else; hire someone with experience and a good reputation within the community. I started a Google data base at a former school for staff to share nanny, maid, and driver referees. Any expat workplace or Facebook group could do this.
Check that schools, pre-schools, camps, and places of worship conduct background checks and have child protection policies. The same goes for any adults involved in running extra-curricular activities. These people have easy access to your children and should be screened carefully. No field trips should happen with only one chaperone. The international school scene is finally requesting that teachers and administrators have up-to-date background checks and references checking for any inappropriate behavior with children. Check to ensure your child's school uses recruiting agencies who insist on checks and references. Keep in mind this is fairly new and not as easy as you would think considering some police agencies globally can be bribed and abuse is not always reported by children.
Start teaching your children about safe touching. 20% of sexually abused children are abused before the age of 8 (D2L, 2013). Some people only talk to their children about what they should do if someone tries to touch their bathing suit area. First of all, people who do this are forgetting about oral sex. Another factor is that pedophiles often start by touching the hair or rubbing the back to gain trust. Be careful about the messages you send.

90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, 60% by someone the family trusts, and 30% by family members (D2L, 2013). Don't be under the impression that strangers are the biggest risk. This is why solely teaching "stranger danger" misses the mark. If a child does not want to be held, hugged, or kissed by someone, don't force them. Consider teaching your children to fist bump, high five, or blow kisses.
In some countries sex offenders have to register. If possible, check with police if there are any sex offenders living near you.
According to WHO, 25% of adults globally report having been physically abused as a child. If you were abused, seek help. If abuse is currently happening in your home, seek help from a family therapist. Stopping this cycle is crucial, as the damage for children growing up in violent homes is long lasting.
If you suspect or know abuse is happening in someone's home, offer support. If you are a staff member in a school, make sure you know what is expected by law if you suspect any type of abuse. If you are confronting anyone about abusing their child, do not do so right before a weekend or vacation. Understand that confrontation can have serious consequences for children and their mother. If you have never reported someone before, get advice from someone who has.

Resources

5 to 9 year olds

Continue addressing all points above.
Get your children involved in confidence building activities. Perhaps you can volunteer to lead or assist an activity or sport where you will have an opportunity to support children lacking positive role models. With the right instructor, this can be a great age for your children to develop a passion for self-defence/martial arts classes.
Use children's books to start teaching your children empathy. Ensure that any school they attend has written procedures in place to address bullying and those procedures are followed. If there is no policy, ask to be part of a group to create the policy. When I work with children, the bullying they do often mirrors the attitudes of their parents. Be careful about the comments and actions you make in front of your children, especially about those who are most marginalized in society. Inappropriate jokes about women, race, religious groups, and LGBT community, for instance, come into play in the school setting in the form of bullying. Being politically correct in front of your children is actually very important. Use TV shows and movies you watch together as another way to point out and reinforce empathy.
The impact of bullying on children is serious. If you find out your child is being bullied, be relentless in getting the issue resolved. If your child is a bully, discuss with the counselor how you can support behavior change. Note that a common characteristic of bullies is that they see violence and aggression at home. In other words, if your child is a bully, there is a good chance they learned the behavior in your home. Get help from a family therapist. A school counselor or administrator should be able to point you in the right direction.
Ensure that your child's school addresses safe touching and age appropriate Sexual Education (revisit the links in the previous section).
Consider how well you know the parents and older siblings of your children's peers before you allow sleep-overs. Sometimes it just doesn't matter if your child gets upset with you; err on the side of being overly cautious.
Establish a hand shake or signal that is subtle but that lets your children tell you they are nervous or scared and would like to leave a social gathering. Trust their instincts and trust yours.If you allow your children to stay at someone's house, establish a "safe" word that your children will say when you call them to check on them. Ex. "amusing" Hi, honey, how is your visit going? I'm having a fun time, mom. This show we watched was so amusing. This is your cue to create a reason to pick up your child.
This is not the easiest age to be learning about the Internet. Some schools use Edmodo or similar formats to teach children how to communicate online in a fully secure way. The teacher can see all communication and no outsiders can enter the class discussion. This is where you really see that children of this age are not ready to be using the Internet on their own. I've seen 9 year old children sending pornographic links to one another and bullying one another without any understanding that the teacher has a full view of what is going on. This type of format is safe for powerful learning opportunities.

Educate yourself about Internet grooming.
Learn about latest trends in Internet safety protection and monitoring for electronic devices.
Understand that your children might open pornographic links if they are not being monitored. Many pornographic sites target sites frequently visited by young children, as do sites looking to steal your credit information. Children of this age might try to look up words they find funny, like "butt" or "boobs." Teach your children to show you anything on electronic devices that makes them upset, afraid, or uncomfortable. Take time to report anything inappropriate.
Start now with finding a social 16-20 year old who can regularly show you the latest social networking trends and how they work. In schools where students are required to do community service, ask the school to set up a parent group run by students knowledgeable about current social media trends. Find a group of willing parents and actually use these apps so you have clear understanding of the risks. ConnectSafely has excellent current articles on issues kids face online. Start researching parental software reviews and then realize the more tech savvy your children are, the less likely you will be able to successfully block them. Blocking should not be your only tool.
Be careful about your settings and the type of information you share about your children. For instance, posting your current location, your exact address, vacation photos while at the destination, your child's birth date, and cute photos of your baby naked are no-nos. Also remember that everything you post is out there and can be fair game for teasing or bullying by other children. Your information and photos can be shared without your permission, as you have no way of knowing your "friends" settings. If they have their settings open to "friends of friends" or worse yet "public," you have no way to fully control who is seeing your posts. Having the largest number of "friends" isn't necessarily the best idea if you share a lot of photos and information about your life. Consider creating closed family or friend groups if you want to regularly share updates of your children.

Resources

10-12 year olds

Continue reviewing sections above.
Emphasize the importance of healthy friendships and relationships. Again, use books, movies, TV shows, advertisements, current events,and music videos as ways to discuss if a friendship or relationship is healthy. Use media material to ask your children how they would react in different situations.
Start helping your children recognize and break down gender and sexuality stereotypes. As a starting point, you might like the videos created by Always and Nike posted below.
1 in 5 children will report being bullied at some point in their schooling. This is the age group where I see the most cyberbullying, because parents are not sticking to the 13 year old guideline for social networking; the result is serious issues which cause disruption in the school setting. I use Olweus materials to teach children, teachers, and parents about bullying. The Olweus bullying circle is very helpful and a great tool for teaching your children about bullying. If your children attend a school that has a serious bullying issue, I'd be happy to share with the counselors or administration how I've worked with administrative teams to tackle this in the international school setting. Cyberbullying issues are often happening at home but disrupt learning at school. They need to be addressed firmly by the school.
Beyond bullying, according to SelfieCop research, 25% of children as young as 10 have engaged in sexting.Talk openly with your children about what they should do if someone requests a photo or they've received or sent an inappropriate message or image.
If you haven't already done so, start teaching your children how to communicate using I-messages. I cannot begin to tell you how effective this style of communication is for improving communication in the home. As your children become more natural at I-messages, you will see an increase in assertive and effective communication.

This age group is subject to having peers and adults inappropriately comment on their changing bodies. Refrain from making insensitive comments that you might think are funny and stop others if they start commenting about your children in this way.By hearing you stop this type of talk, your children learn how to address an uncomfortable situation assertively. Ex. I'm going to stop you right there. What I'm hearing you say is making me uncomfortable and that's not okay. This is an example of an I-message, which your child needs to learn how to use effectively. On this front, watch how you comment on people's body image in general. Be careful not to be critical of your own or your partner's body.
Continue helping your children pursue activities to boost self confidence. Often the activities they love at this age involve a supportive peer group with similar interests. Again, you might want to consider letting your children learn self-defence.
I often teach boys at the age of 12 that many behaviors men find funny, harmless, and complimentary are actually quite scary and creepy for women. Ex. a group of men whistling at a woman, walking too closely to a woman who is by herself, or commenting on or touching a woman's body. They see these examples in social media and get very mixed messages. Be clear about how everyone deserves to feel safe and be treated respectfully. This video of a woman walking through NYC is a good starting point for this conversation. Talk openly with women you know, and I'm sure they will have examples of times men have made them feel very unsafe.

Resources

13-18 year olds

Continue reviewing sections above.
Look closely at how genders are portrayed in media. Genderads.com has an endless supply of advertisements showing how women and men are portrayed.
Boost the confidence of your teens. This is the time when they are insecure and quickly check out of the activities and sports that would serve them well. Pay particular attention to girls dropping out of activities once they start their menstrual cycle. This study by Jewitt and Ryley in 2014 highlights the reality some young women in developing countries face during their cycle. Strive to have your teen be active at least 60 minutes a day. Again, some form of self-defence is a good option. Watch the clip below by Always on the messages young women hear regularly.
Continue working on using I-messages to help your teens address stereotypes,bullying, relationship issues, and so on.
44% of boys have seen sexual images of girls in their school. Depending on age, sharing of sexts can be viewed as distributing pornography (SelfieCop).
SelfieCop reports that 44% of teens state that sexts are often shared with third parties. Girls are more likely to be the victims of this sharing and cyberbullying.
Continue using real life examples to talk to your teen about different types of relationships. I use Sternberg Triangles to teach teens that at different stages in life, people might choose different types of relationships. Again, use relationships they see in media to help them understand the types and to identify and articulate what they want in relationships at their age. Use the lovely scene from the movie Up to get started; then have them look at music videos with a story line or clips from TV series, like Modern Family. I always start with relationships that are easy to identify and then move to complicated ones.
Teach your sons how to respect women and model how your daughters should be treated.
Help teens understand that both people need to be comfortable with every stage of a relationship. I-messages again become very important. [Ex. I just want to be very clear from the beginning, I'm very into my sports and I have goals for attending university. I have no intentions of being sexually active in high school. Ex. I want to talk about where our relationship is now and where I'd like it to go over the next few months.] Al Vernacchio shared a TedTalk on how we need a better metaphor for sexual relationships than baseball. His idea is quite clever and worth a listen. Have discussions about consent with teens so there is no doubt they have a clear understanding. I like the British police take on using a cup of tea to explain consent.
Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault (RAINN, 2016). About half of all rapes are committed by someone the victim knows (New, 2014).
Teach young people that their role is to always look after their friends or person they are dating with mutual respect. When the time is right, use these safe partying tips out of Australia as a starting point. Don't wait until your teen is partying, start these discussions early. Again, I like to use current events as a natural segue. Be the parent that will help teens when they feel a situation is out of control.
Unhealthy relationships can be a serious reality for teens and parents and teachers often do not pick up on the signs. Sexual Education at this age should include information on healthy relationships and how to detect unhealthy ones. Every time I teach about abusive relationships, I see students looking around and it's quite evident they know struggling peers in need of support for getting out of a bad situation.

Learn about sextortion.
Pornography is a topic you should discuss with your children. An article posted by the BBC mentioned that 53% of children they surveyed between the ages of 11 and 16 had viewed pornography online (94% by the age of 14). I have taught teens who are very worried that what they've seen watching online pornography is what is expected of men and women in a typical relationship. While natural curiosity is going to play a part in opening links, understand that some teens do indeed watch an excessive amount of pornography to the point of being desensitized. Time wrote an excellent article called Porn and the Threat to Virility. You have to pay for the article if you do not have a Time subscription but it's a fascinating read. Don't freak out if you find out your children have been watching pornography. Instead, use this as an opportunity to talk about healthy relationships and the fact that these pornography stars are acting out a script (for lack of better word). Be aware that your children might come across child pornography, which you should report to cybertipline or interpol.
Mental health issues are the leading cause of illness and disability with this age group. We cannot continue to ignore struggling teens or ask them to just "suck it up." Suicide is the third leading cause of death for this age group (WHO, 2016). Never leave a suicidal child or teen unattended and get them to see a doctor as soon as possible. I can't tell you the number of times I have had parents tell me their child/teen has mentioned being suicidal but they figured it was a phase. Warning signs should never be ignored. Be on the look out for depression, self harm, and eating disorders/exercise compulsion, as well. The best advice I can give you from my experience is to try not to panic if your teen is struggling from a mental health issue. Listen. Tell your teen you understand the seriousness of the issue and you will find help together. These issues are not issues for you to solve without the help of outside mental health care and medical providers. Can you re-read that last sentence, please?
Read this article if you believe your child might be homosexual and this one if you believe your child might be transgender. All I can tell you as a counselor is there is a huge difference between the mental health of LGBT children/teens with supportive and unsupportive parents and school environments. The CDC provides statistics and advice for parents and schools. If you work in international schools, you need to be aware of the local laws and organizations pertaining to the LBGT community. Your school setting might be the safest place for some of your students so ensure you have a welcoming environment.

Resources

Teens need to be active
Quiz to check if a teen's relationship is healthy
ABCs of a healthy relationship
UN adolescent health risks and solutions
Understanding addiction risks for teens - National Institute on Drug Abuse: Advancing Addiction Science
Global suicide data
Youth violence statistics - WHO
Depression -WHO
Sobering statistics on date rape in the US
Self harm statistics and information
Eating disorders statistics
Youth violence resources
Youth violence - WHO
Source for teaching about gender in advertising
S.E.X. the all-you-need-to-know sexuality guide to get you through your teens and twenties - book to buy for high school/college aged or for teachers/counselors to use as a resource (covers everything imaginable, including consent and abuse)
www.scarleteen.com/ - site to go with book listed above
FBI video on sextortion
Article on police taking over a pedophile site

Women

I have to admit that this topic of maltreatment of women and children/teens is often on my mind, but I started this blog shortly after reading an article about a woman raped behind a dumpster at a party near Stanford University. The victim's statement to the court stayed with me and I think of her often. Along with other global cases in the media at the time, I do believe her statement ignited international dialogue about violence against women; her statement highlighted that we have far more work to do globally to change cultural views and the judicial process victims face.
I have included resources that provide information about safety on university campuses, workplace sexual harassment, stalking, and domestic violence.

According to WHO 35% of women will be victims of sexual or physical violence in their lifetime. The UN is one global group working to create programs to end violence against women.
WHO also reports that more than 35% of femicide cases globally are committed by an intimate partner.
6 out of 1000 rapists in the US will be arrested (RAINN). 17 and 23% charged with sexual assault in Australia and Canada, respectively, will be convicted. Programs like MenCanStopRape, take the ownership of preventing rape from women and target helping men to understand healthy, nonviolent masculinity.
Percentages of women in various countries who are being sexually harassed in the workplace. Learn UN's women's empowerment principles for businesses. Learn about sexist remarks and ways to stop them.
Among other benefits, reducing gender inequality increases a country's productivity and economic growth.
Learn these tips to avoid being a victim of a cyberstalker.

Resources

Blueprint for campus police: responding to sexual assault - long PDF but well worth a read - incredibly informative for university students and parents
Safety for university students - RAINN.org
Companion app - never walk home alone
5 iPhone and Android safety apps
Signs of domestic abuse
UK - end violence against women
Australia - Center against sexual assault
UN statistics on violence against women
Violence against women - WHO
Femicide -WHO - types and prevalence, as well as risk and protective factors
Connecting the Dots: An Overview of the Links Among Multiple Forms of Violence - CDC
TedX talk - Crazy Love - one woman's story of why women stay in domestic violence relationships - must watch
Why women don't report - includes video clips
Stalking fact sheet - US
International legislation on stalking by country
9 key issues facing women and children
Template for sexual harassment policy
Sexual harassment in the workplace- global study
Prevalence of sexual harassment in the workplace - Stop Violence Against Women
The Case for Gender Equality- World Economic Forum
Gender Gap by Country - World Economic Forum
The Gift of Fear and Other Signals of Violence by Gavin DeBecker - book recommended by my dear friends, Dana and Ashton
Voices against violence curriculum for 5-25 year olds
Women you should know - site sharing about dynamic women

Ways to get involved

The issues I shared above are ones women, children, and teens I know are most likely to face. I recognize that I did not touch some of the pressing global issues for children and women but I've tried to include links below of ways you can get involved. I know people hesitate to leave comments on mental health blogs, but I would love for people to share any organizations or ideas you have for ways people can get involved with these issues. The whole point of the blog is to get people talking openly; changes are happening for the better but we all need to get involved.

Global Giving - crowdfunding used to support nonprofit organizations
V-day - organize an event or donate to end violence against women and children
Save the Children - International
RAINN - rape, abuse, and incest national network (US)
Women's Funding Network - largest philanthropic network devoted to women and girls
Melinda Gates' Top 5 foundations supporting women and children
Their world - giving children globally the best possible start
Child in crisis - educating children globally
Letgirlslearn - educating girls globally
World Bank - Financial inclusion of women
IRC - helping refugees
Days for Girls International - providing kits to keep menstruating girls from missing school
Organizations combatting human trafficking
Acid Survivors Foundation of Bangladesh and Acid Survivors Trust International
Honour Based Violence Awareness Network
Start Watch D.O.G.S. (Dads of Great Students) at your school - Getting dads more involved in schools internationally- National Center for Fathering -fabulous site with parenting ideas for dads
16 organizations fighting female genital mutilation
Contact a women's shelter in your area and ask how you can help
Volunteer at a local organization or hotline that provides help for women and children in need
Be a mentor for a child or teen in need
Create the safe place for children or teens to hang out
Get involved with school parent organizations
Volunteer to coach sports, run social clubs, or assist with Arts programs
Fight for legislation that addresses the maltreatment of women and children [Example]

Sources
The active links for videos and resources above will take you directly to the sites where I conducted my research. The other sources are listed below. Photo - here.

"Adolescents: Health Risks and Solutions." World Health Organization. WHO, May 2016. Web. 27 June 2016.
Corraya, Sumon. "BANGLADESH In Bangladesh, 87 per Cent of Women Victims of Domestic Violence." BANGLADESH In Bangladesh, 87 per Cent of Women Victims of Domestic Violence. Asia News, 03 Feb. 2014. Web. 16 June 2016.
"Darkness to Light." Darkness to Light - End Child Sexual Abuse. D2L, 2013. Web. 17 June 2016.
"Domestic Violence in Mauritius." Lexpress.mu. Lexpress, 08 Mar. 2007. Web. 17 June 2016.
Ito, Masimi. "Waking up to Child Abuse | The Japan Times." Japan Times RSS. Japan Times, 13 Sept. 2014. Web. 16 June 2016.
Jackson, Andrew. "SelfieCop - Stats about Selfies & Sexting." SelfieCop. ISPCC, 2016. Web. 28 June 2016.
Jewitt, Sarah, and Harriet Ryley. "It’s a Girl Thing: Menstruation, School Attendance, Spatial Mobility and Wider Gender Inequalities in Kenya." Geoforum 56 (2014): 137-47. Web. 17 July 2016.
New, Michelle J., PhD. "Date Rape." KidsHealth - the Web's Most Visited Site about Children's Health. The Nemours Foundation, Oct. 2014. Web. 27 June 2016.
"Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics | RAINN." Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics | RAINN. RAINN, 2016. Web. 09 July 2016.

Comments

I like to share brief, researched tips to help people lead a balanced life. Typically I send ideas via emails to expat teachers or students where I work. I've decided to share to a larger audience. While some parts of my blogs will clearly be geared toward expat educators, many shared ideas will be generic tips that apply to anyone.