Parent Effectiveness Training - Dr. Thomas Gordon
As a school counselor I am often asked by parents to run parenting workshops. This is a tricky one because parenting styles vary a great deal from home to home and culture to culture.
I recently had the pleasure of being a student in a course called Parent Effectiveness Training which was designed by Dr Thomas Gordon, who worked closely with Dr Carl Rogers. This is the program I would use for parenting workshops but also to help people improve work or personal relationships.
I recently had the pleasure of being a student in a course called Parent Effectiveness Training which was designed by Dr Thomas Gordon, who worked closely with Dr Carl Rogers. This is the program I would use for parenting workshops but also to help people improve work or personal relationships.
I asked for permission to share this behavior window with you because this visual can truly help you approach situations in an effective way. I have labeled the chart A to E to help clarify my explanations. I post this window on my refrigerator and constantly ask myself, "Who owns the problem?" Depending on who owns the problem, there are different ways to approach the situation.
I will break each section into small parts and give an example using a situation with a child or teen. For the examples, I will post the discussion of one person in bold and the other in italics.
Keep in mind that you can use these same techniques with adults. I think you will be surprised at the results but just know up front that this takes a lot of practice and will seem a bit forced at first. Keep trying!
I will break each section into small parts and give an example using a situation with a child or teen. For the examples, I will post the discussion of one person in bold and the other in italics.
Keep in mind that you can use these same techniques with adults. I think you will be surprised at the results but just know up front that this takes a lot of practice and will seem a bit forced at first. Keep trying!
A -> Someone else owns the problem
 | Silence - (best gift) Non-verbal attending: smile, eye contact, lean forward, tilt head or nod, reflect, mirror expression Acknowledgments: "Good" or "Yes" or "Indeed" -> use sparingly Active listening: repeat what you heard, ask a question showing interest, paraphrase to check understanding, ask to clarify, reflect feelings |
Mom, all of my friends have unlimited access to their computer.
Mom tilts her head.
I think you and dad are too strict and you probably don't realize that Jessica's mom let's her do whatever she wants.
Mom nods.
Why aren't you saying anything?
Mom leans forward a bit.
I know some people my age use their computers irresponsibly but I don't. Why are you so tough on me?
You think we're tough on you?
Well, that's not really the point. I'm a pretty good teenager considering what some of my friends are doing.
We don't recognize how well you're doing?
Well, not often. Do you realize that Jessica is talking to complete strangers and has agreed to meet up with someone she doesn't even know?
So you're feeling scared for Jess?
Actually, yes. Can we invite her over tomorrow so she can talk with you? I'll start the conversation and then maybe you can help her understand how dangerous this is. She opens up with you.
You'd like my support?
Yes, can I get in touch with her now and ask her to come to breakfast with us tomorrow?
Of course. Let me know what she thinks.
Mom tilts her head.
I think you and dad are too strict and you probably don't realize that Jessica's mom let's her do whatever she wants.
Mom nods.
Why aren't you saying anything?
Mom leans forward a bit.
I know some people my age use their computers irresponsibly but I don't. Why are you so tough on me?
You think we're tough on you?
Well, that's not really the point. I'm a pretty good teenager considering what some of my friends are doing.
We don't recognize how well you're doing?
Well, not often. Do you realize that Jessica is talking to complete strangers and has agreed to meet up with someone she doesn't even know?
So you're feeling scared for Jess?
Actually, yes. Can we invite her over tomorrow so she can talk with you? I'll start the conversation and then maybe you can help her understand how dangerous this is. She opens up with you.
You'd like my support?
Yes, can I get in touch with her now and ask her to come to breakfast with us tomorrow?
Of course. Let me know what she thinks.
How differently would the conversation have gone if the mom simply responded with a solution to the first problem presented, which was not having unlimited access to her computer? She could've said, "Your dad and I make the rules. If you don't like it, feel free to hand over your laptop." She would've never realized that her caring daughter is in need of some support. How often do you hear teens scream, "Oh, never mind!" as they stomp off? This typically means an opportunity was missed to be supportive. As a counselor I can tell you, it's rare for a person to start with their actual problem or concern.
Probably the number one complaint I get from one adult in a partnership is that the other person is not listening and wants to just quickly dismiss or solve problems. "Honey, I had a terrible day today. My co-worker drove me nuts." "Well, I told you not to hang around that person so what do you expect." The way this is often perceived is that one person in the relationship believes the other is incapable of solving problems. If you think you are guilty of solving other people's problems, try implementing the techniques in blue.
I can tell you that I have implemented this with a toddler and I've been surprised by the solutions she manages herself. A simple example was her unsafely turning in a high chair and screaming. She was trying to communicate a problem of not being able to see something interesting. A slight turn of the chair made her happy because she could easily see what caught her attention. She had a solution, I just had to recognize it. Babies and toddlers cannot verbalize their solutions so they find ways to get attention over and over until you understand.
Probably the number one complaint I get from one adult in a partnership is that the other person is not listening and wants to just quickly dismiss or solve problems. "Honey, I had a terrible day today. My co-worker drove me nuts." "Well, I told you not to hang around that person so what do you expect." The way this is often perceived is that one person in the relationship believes the other is incapable of solving problems. If you think you are guilty of solving other people's problems, try implementing the techniques in blue.
I can tell you that I have implemented this with a toddler and I've been surprised by the solutions she manages herself. A simple example was her unsafely turning in a high chair and screaming. She was trying to communicate a problem of not being able to see something interesting. A slight turn of the chair made her happy because she could easily see what caught her attention. She had a solution, I just had to recognize it. Babies and toddlers cannot verbalize their solutions so they find ways to get attention over and over until you understand.
B -> No problem area
 | Declarative: "I need to be recognized for my hard work." Preventative: "I remember we struggled to meet the deadline last time and I'm nervous about that happening again. Let's break the task into smaller parts." Positive: "I feel relieved when all of our hard work pays off." Responsive: "I'd love to help but I've already committed to a few other projects." Modifying environment: Make bedroom a sleep sanctuary with no screens. |
Nadim, I remember last year when school started, you felt exhausted by week 6 because you took on so many after school activities in addition to all of your sports?
Oh yea, I totally forgot about that.
I want you to be healthy and balanced this year.
I get that. I'm just not sure how to say no, especially if the activity interests me or involves my closest friends.
I love that you enjoy being so involved. Is there a way we could roughly plan out your year and decide how many activities are realistic for each term?
When I get home, I think we can get that sorted. I might also need some help with how to tell my friends that I'm not going to join all of their activities.
Gotcha. Let's work on this after dinner this evening.
Oh yea, I totally forgot about that.
I want you to be healthy and balanced this year.
I get that. I'm just not sure how to say no, especially if the activity interests me or involves my closest friends.
I love that you enjoy being so involved. Is there a way we could roughly plan out your year and decide how many activities are realistic for each term?
When I get home, I think we can get that sorted. I might also need some help with how to tell my friends that I'm not going to join all of their activities.
Gotcha. Let's work on this after dinner this evening.
I consider this "no problem area" as preventative work. These are the conversations you have with a person when neither of you are upset. Some parents are great at using commute time or having conversations after dinner or before bed for this purpose.
Think of someone at work who interrupts you every day while you are trying to accomplish tasks. You could have a casual conversation with them over a coffee so you don't get to the point where you have to be more confrontational. "I truly appreciate our chats at work every day but I'd like to ask you to stop back for a chat at a different time if I am using my headphones. When I have headphones on that means I'm totally in a zone accomplishing tasks. What will clue me in that you are in your zone and I shouldn't interrupt you?"
Think of someone at work who interrupts you every day while you are trying to accomplish tasks. You could have a casual conversation with them over a coffee so you don't get to the point where you have to be more confrontational. "I truly appreciate our chats at work every day but I'd like to ask you to stop back for a chat at a different time if I am using my headphones. When I have headphones on that means I'm totally in a zone accomplishing tasks. What will clue me in that you are in your zone and I shouldn't interrupt you?"
C -> You own the problem
 | Confrontative I-message: "I understand that you feel strongly about this but the verbal abuse must stop or you will have a consequence." Gear shifting: "I'm interested in what you just mentioned but I'd like to get back to talking about your phone use." |
I need to talk to you as soon as you get home today. I expect you to be sitting at the kitchen table when I arrive.
It's possible that I have to work with a group on my Art project.
Let me be clear. I know you are completing an Art project with a group and they are relying on you. I expect you to be sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me by the time I arrive home today. All other priorities will be addressed after we have our discussion.
I think you are overreacting again. I don't really have time for this.
I will see you at the kitchen table when I arrive home.
... I was disappointed and worried when I saw you come through the door drunk last night. I couldn't tell the state of the person who drove you home and if we have been clear about anything it is that if you make a poor choice and need support, we expect you to call us to help you. Our trust has been broken so let's talk about a consequence that fits this situation.
My friend who drove didn't drink anything.
I'll bring you back to the fact that we were disappointed and worried. It's not okay for you to put us in that position. Our agreement is clear and simple. We are the people who drive you home if you make a poor choice. Now, let's get back to our discussion of a consequence.
This isn't fair.
I'm giving you an opportunity to start the discussion on a consequence if you'd like input.
Okay, how about no going out next weekend?
This is a serious situation. I'm not accepting that.
No going out on weekends for the next month and any interactions with friends has to be done here in your house.
We'll touch base after a month and determine if the consequence was sufficient.
It's possible that I have to work with a group on my Art project.
Let me be clear. I know you are completing an Art project with a group and they are relying on you. I expect you to be sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me by the time I arrive home today. All other priorities will be addressed after we have our discussion.
I think you are overreacting again. I don't really have time for this.
I will see you at the kitchen table when I arrive home.
... I was disappointed and worried when I saw you come through the door drunk last night. I couldn't tell the state of the person who drove you home and if we have been clear about anything it is that if you make a poor choice and need support, we expect you to call us to help you. Our trust has been broken so let's talk about a consequence that fits this situation.
My friend who drove didn't drink anything.
I'll bring you back to the fact that we were disappointed and worried. It's not okay for you to put us in that position. Our agreement is clear and simple. We are the people who drive you home if you make a poor choice. Now, let's get back to our discussion of a consequence.
This isn't fair.
I'm giving you an opportunity to start the discussion on a consequence if you'd like input.
Okay, how about no going out next weekend?
This is a serious situation. I'm not accepting that.
No going out on weekends for the next month and any interactions with friends has to be done here in your house.
We'll touch base after a month and determine if the consequence was sufficient.
When you have a problem with someone, you set the time with the person where you will address the issue. I will remind you that anger is a second emotion. Before you set a time to meet with someone who upset you, determine what you were feeling before the anger kicked in. Use the thought checker I shared awhile back if you are struggling to calm down. Yelling in anger is often ineffective because people tune out when someone is screaming at them. The reaction is quite different if I wait until I'm calm and say, "I was so anxious and disappointed when you came home late last night. I had all of these terrible thoughts run through my head of what was wrong. I need you to touch base when you are running late, even if it's only a few minutes. The next time I catch you sneaking in late, you will not go out with friends for 3 weeks." When you own the problem, you set the tone, be clear in expectations, and stick to your decisions. When they try to change the subject, you bring them back on track.
D -> Both own problem/conflict of needs
E -> Both own problem/values collision
D & E are where both people involved recognize there is a problem. These are both solved in similar ways following six steps.
1. Define everyone's needs.
1. Define everyone's needs.
I value time with my friends and would appreciate time for social networking before you send me to bed. I'm asked to be involved in activities but then I don't get a chance for downtime.
I need you to be in bed by 10 at the latest because sleep is important for your growth, brain development and mood. I don't want your phone in your bedroom.
I need you to be in bed by 10 at the latest because sleep is important for your growth, brain development and mood. I don't want your phone in your bedroom.
2. Brainstorm solutions. Let each person share all of their ideas and record them, even if some ideas seem outrageous to you.
Use phone
- during break right after school
- right before dinner
- before school
- in bed when relaxing.
- before school
- during breaks at school
- before you start practice
- before you start homework.
3. Evaluate ideas. Check or highlight ideas that are acceptable to both parties.
Use phone
- during break right after school
- right before dinner
- before school
- after I finish homework
- in bed when relaxing.
- before school
- during breaks at school
- before you start practice
- before you start homework.
4. Decide on a final solution and 5. Implement.
We agree that I can use my phone before and after school for 30 minutes. If my homework is finished and there is time, I can have 30 minutes before getting my shower and relaxing before bed. I won't have any screen time for the hour leading up to my bedtime. We'll touch base in two weeks and decide if this is working well.
6. Evaluate the solution.
Meet after the agreed upon trial period and adjust the plan as needed.
We agree that I can use my phone before and after school for 30 minutes. If my homework is finished and there is time, I can have 30 minutes before getting my shower and relaxing before bed. I won't have any screen time for the hour leading up to my bedtime. We'll touch base in two weeks and decide if this is working well.
6. Evaluate the solution.
Meet after the agreed upon trial period and adjust the plan as needed.
I want to draw attention to the point that all of these discussions happen with different types of I-messages. If I start my discussions with I-messages of one kind or another. The person I'm talking with cannot dismiss my thoughts and my feelings. More importantly, the other person does not have a feeling of being cornered. How do you feel you would react if someone said, "You wasted a lot of my time yesterday when I was really busy." How differently would you react if I said, "I really value my time at work because I have a 2.5 year old to play with when I get home. Can I ask you to schedule a time with me in advance?" Using a you-statement makes the person on the other end feel a need to defend actions, whereas an I-statement helps the other person empathize with the person delivering the message. Try to shift from starting sentences with "you" when you have a concern.
As I've already said, this might seem unrealistic and certainly will feel extremely challenging for many people. Give it a try. With practice I honestly believe your relationships will improve considerably.
Take care,
Sharon
Take care,
Sharon
Gordon, Dr Thomas. “Gordon Training International.” Gordon Training International, 2016, www.gordontraining.com/. Accessed 24 Aug. 2017.
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