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Supporting parents and children during online learning

5/7/2020

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I am creating weekly videos for my current school to support parents and their Early Years and Primary aged children.  I will add videos here each week until we hit our summer break.  Hopefully, you will find them helpful.
This is video helps adults consider current life stressors and switching thinking to what we can control.
5-4-3-2-1 is a common grounding exercise used to support people struggling with anxiety.  This video is for children to watch and parents might like to help their children put this into practice (Halloran Coping skills for kids workbook: over 75 coping strategies to help kids deal with stress, anxiety and anger 35).
I run a course called Positive Discipline.  This is a refresher for parents about the importance of connecting with children before correcting them.  I also discuss the importance of children being able to label their feelings.
The following two videos are designed to help children label a common feeling they are experiencing and creating a thermometer to figure out what they look like as the feeling goes from mild to intense and what they can do when they are at each level of intensity to feel more in control.  Little ones will need help with this.
When we are struggling, we tend to scan for the negative; that's an important survival skill.  But, when our life is not in danger, sharing gratitude can help us shift our focus to the positive. 
Putting character strengths into action is a powerful way to help children and adults spiral upward.
Recently, you might notice a shift from positive to negative self-talk in your children and maybe even yourself. How do we make a shift?  (The top video is for children and the bottom one is for parents.)
Parents who are trying to help children leave, stay, or arrive at a school well might benefit from watching this video.
I've had parents ask about how to support children who are struggling to sleep and seem to be having vivid nightmares.  After talking about why this is normal, I share tips for helping your children (and you) get better sleep.
I've been asked how to set boundaries for device usage during this time. The approach should be the same regardless of the timing. The goal should be to teach children and teens to be problem-solvers and to believe that they have the capability to contribute to solutions for the good of the family.  
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Child Protection With Online Learning

3/17/2020

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One thing that schools and families should not overlook is child protection during distance learning.  

Please keep child protection in mind as you navigate online learning. You might want to include something like this when you invite students for an online class:
Dear .... class,
I'm looking forward to meeting at ____ .
Please remember that you should:
  • dress in school attire for all online classes
  • be on time
  • wear headphones
  • follow IRESPECT values
  • know that classes are recorded for those who cannot join
  • send an email reporting any technical difficulties.
See you soon,
_________

My counseling buddy, Alma Croft, put slides together based on the infographic created by ICMEC, and I’ve added an explanation of each slide.

​

safer-virtual-school-infographic-printable__1_.pdf
File Size: 585 kb
File Type: pdf
Download File

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The shift to online learning

3/16/2020

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(Apologies for not being on here for ages.  I have been developing a MS SEL program for international schools.)

Bali is joining many in the world by starting online learning for the good of the community.  I have many international friends who have been experiencing this online world for 7-weeks now.  I picked their brains a bit and will be sharing some of their words of wisdom. Over the next few weeks, I will also share parenting strategies from my favorite parenting courses.  There are tools that can be implemented easily and quickly that can change dynamics in the home quite quickly. Families are going to be in each others’ spaces more and that will be delightful at times and at other times, it will be draining.  I hope these tips help you get underway in a calm, clearheaded way.  

Let’s start with routines.  Maintaining routines is a key way to help children feel secure.  From a very young age, children can look at a routine chart and follow the steps.  For little ones, I’d recommend using pictures of them doing the activities for their chart.  They love seeing their own pictures on the chart so run with that.  
Normally, we suggest a morning and evening routine.  With online learning that might look a bit differently.  A typical morning routine would include: brushing your teeth, showering, getting dressed, and having breakfast, for example.  An evening routine might include: getting a shower/bath, putting on pajamas, packing bag for school, reading a book, and relaxing in bed.  We will now have to help children manage their learning time. Many of you will be working and might find that you need to set your work schedule with consideration of how you can help your children and teens manage their lives. Creating routine charts for everyone in the family might help you to see how much support you are going to need.

Here are examples of routines that might work for my current school:  
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While these might not work exactly for you in your situation, they hopefully give you an idea.  For little ones, break their day up into tiny chunks with a great deal of play and rest. As students get older, one of their biggest challenges is figuring out how they will manage all that they are assigned.  First, have them write down all of their long-term assignments, how long they believe they will take, and when they are due. White boards are great for this process. For many, having the assignments whirling in their heads is overwhelming. Once they write the time the assignments will take and when they are due, have them work backward.  Do they work better in smaller chunks of time or are they the type to crank out an assignment once they get rolling? Many teens start with short-term assignments because they like to tick things off their list. Try to help them shift this way of working to starting with long-term assignments first.  This helps prevent procrastination.
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One of my former colleagues mentioned the importance of the morning routine during this switch to working online.  It’s easy to say, “Oh, I don’t have to get up as early.” Or maybe you think, “I’m not even going to bother to shower because I don’t have any online meetings today.”  Before you know it, a good chunk of the morning could be gone before you’ve even started.

Beyond routines, I highly recommend that each person in your family figure out a time in the day where you will be able to have alone time.  What does that look like for each of you? Some people like quiet time in a bath, some create a little reading nook, others like a punching bag or a running trail. Set those times into your routines and stick to them.   


Understand that this is not the mode of teaching that most teachers and students have experienced. Some schools honestly have no idea what platforms to even use because their students have little to no experience with devices.  There is a good chance that this will be frustrating for everyone involved on some level.  

Parents and teachers, here are some resources that might keep you sane:
International School Services put together links for supporting pre-K to 12 moves to online learning 
Virtual field trips 
Free subscriptions to educational programs due to school closings
Endless ideas for what to do with kids when they are “bored” 
Infographic on Child Protection during online learning sessions




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Effective and timely communication

8/10/2017

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Parent Effectiveness Training - Dr. Thomas Gordon

As a school counselor I am often asked by parents to run parenting workshops. This is a tricky one because parenting styles vary a great deal from home to home and culture to culture. 
I recently had the pleasure of being a student in a course called Parent Effectiveness Training which was designed by Dr Thomas Gordon, who worked closely with Dr Carl Rogers. This is the program I would use for parenting workshops but also to help people improve work or personal relationships.
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I asked for permission to share this behavior window with you because this visual can truly help you approach situations in an effective way. I have labeled the chart A to E to help clarify my explanations. I post this window on my refrigerator and constantly ask myself, "Who owns the problem?" Depending on who owns the problem, there are different ways to approach the situation.
I will break each section into small parts and give an example using a situation with a child or teen. For the examples, I will post the discussion of one person in bold and the other in italics.
​Keep in mind that you can use these same techniques with adults. I think you will be surprised at the results but just know up front that this takes a lot of practice and will seem a bit forced at first. Keep trying!

A -> Someone else owns the problem

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Silence - (best gift)
Non-verbal attending:  smile, eye contact, lean forward, tilt head or nod, reflect, mirror expression
Acknowledgments: "Good" or "Yes" or "Indeed" -> use sparingly
Active listening: repeat what you heard, ask a question showing interest, paraphrase to check understanding, ask to clarify, reflect feelings 
Mom, all of my friends have unlimited access to their computer.
Mom tilts her head.
I think you and dad are too strict and you probably don't realize that Jessica's mom let's her do whatever she wants.
​Mom nods.
Why aren't you saying anything?
​Mom leans forward a bit.
I know some people my age use their computers irresponsibly but I don't. Why are you so tough on me?
​You think we're tough on you?
Well, that's not really the point. I'm a pretty good teenager considering what some of my friends are doing.
We don't recognize how well you're doing?
Well, not often. Do you realize that Jessica is talking to complete strangers and has agreed to meet up with someone she doesn't even know?
So you're feeling scared for Jess?
​Actually, yes. Can we invite her over tomorrow so she can talk with you? I'll start the conversation and then maybe you can help her understand how dangerous this is. She opens up with you.
​You'd like my support?
​Yes, can I get in touch with her now and ask her to come to breakfast with us tomorrow?
Of course. Let me know what she thinks.

How differently would the conversation have gone if the mom simply responded with a solution to the first problem presented, which was not having unlimited access to her computer? She could've said, "Your dad and I make the rules. If you don't like it, feel free to hand over your laptop." She would've never realized that her caring daughter is in need of some support. How often do you hear teens scream, "Oh, never mind!" as they stomp off? This typically means an opportunity was missed to be supportive. As a counselor I can tell you, it's rare for a person to start with their actual problem or concern. 
Probably the number one complaint I get from one adult in a partnership is that the other person is not listening and wants to just quickly dismiss or solve problems. "Honey, I had a terrible day today. My co-worker drove me nuts." "Well, I told you not to hang around that person so what do you expect." The way this is often perceived is that one person in the relationship believes the other is incapable of solving problems. If you think you are guilty of solving other people's problems, try implementing the techniques in blue.
I can tell you that I have implemented this with a toddler and I've been surprised by the solutions she manages herself. A simple example was her unsafely turning in a high chair and screaming. She was trying to communicate a problem of not being able to see something interesting. A slight turn of the chair made her happy because she could easily see what caught her attention. She had a solution, I just had to recognize it. Babies and toddlers cannot verbalize their solutions so they find ways to get attention over and over until you understand.

B -> No problem area

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Declarative: "I need to be recognized for my hard work."
Preventative: "I remember we struggled to meet the deadline last time and I'm nervous about that happening again. Let's break the task into smaller parts."
Positive: "I feel relieved when all of our hard work pays off." 
Responsive: "I'd love to help but I've already committed to a few other projects." 
Modifying environment: Make bedroom a sleep sanctuary with no screens.
​Nadim, I remember last year when school started, you felt exhausted by week 6 because you took on so many after school activities in addition to all of your sports?
​Oh yea, I totally forgot about that.
I want you to be healthy and balanced this year.
I get that. I'm just not sure how to say no, especially if the activity interests me or involves my closest friends.
I love that you enjoy being so involved. Is there a way we could roughly plan out your year and decide how many activities are realistic for each term? 
When I get home, I think we can get that sorted. I might also need some help with how to tell my friends that I'm not going to join all of their activities.
Gotcha. Let's work on this after dinner this evening.
I consider this "no problem area" as preventative work. These are the conversations you have with a person when neither of you are upset. Some parents are great at using commute time or having conversations after dinner or before bed for this purpose.
​Think of someone at work who interrupts you every day while you are trying to accomplish tasks. You could have a casual conversation with them over a coffee so you don't get to the point where you have to be more confrontational. "I truly appreciate our chats at work every day but I'd like to ask you to stop back for a chat at a different time if I am using my headphones. When I have headphones on that means I'm totally in a zone accomplishing tasks. What will clue me in that you are in your zone and I shouldn't interrupt you?"

C -> You own the problem

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Confrontative I-message: "I understand that you feel strongly about this but the verbal abuse must stop or you will have a consequence."
Gear shifting: "I'm interested in what you just mentioned but I'd like to get back to talking about your phone use."
I need to talk to you as soon as you get home today. I expect you to be sitting at the kitchen table when I arrive.
It's possible that I have to work with a group on my Art project.
Let me be clear. I know you are completing an Art project with a group and they are relying on you. I expect you to be sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me by the time I arrive home today. All other priorities will be addressed after we have our discussion. 
I think you are overreacting again. I don't really have time for this.
I will see you at the kitchen table when I arrive home.         
...  I was disappointed and worried when I saw you come through the door drunk last night. I couldn't tell the state of the person who drove you home and if we have been clear about anything it is that if you make a poor choice and need support, we expect you to call us to help you. Our trust has been broken so let's talk about a consequence that fits this situation.

My friend who drove didn't drink anything. 
I'll bring you back to the fact that we were disappointed and worried. It's not okay for you to put us in that position. Our agreement is clear and simple. We are the people who drive you home if you make a poor choice. Now, let's get back to our discussion of a consequence. 
This isn't fair.
​I'm giving you an opportunity to start the discussion on a consequence if you'd like input.
Okay, how about no going out next weekend?
This is a serious situation. I'm not accepting that.
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​No going out on weekends for the next month and any interactions with friends has to be done here in your house.
We'll touch base after a month and determine if the consequence was sufficient.
When you have a problem with someone, you set the time with the person where you will address the issue. I will remind you that anger is a second emotion. Before you set a time to meet with someone who upset you, determine what you were feeling before the anger kicked in. Use the thought checker I shared awhile back if you are struggling to calm down. Yelling in anger is often ineffective because people tune out when someone is screaming at them. The reaction is quite different if I wait until I'm calm and say, "I was so anxious and disappointed when you came home late last night. I had all of these terrible thoughts run through my head of what was wrong. I need you to touch base when you are running late, even if it's only a few minutes. The next time I catch you sneaking in late, you will not go out with friends for 3 weeks." When you own the problem, you set the tone, be clear in expectations, and stick to your decisions. When they try to change the subject, you bring them back on track. 

D -> Both own problem/conflict of needs

E -> Both own problem/values collision

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D & E are where both people involved recognize there is a problem. These are both solved in similar ways following six steps.
1. Define everyone's needs.
I value time with my friends and would appreciate time for social networking before you send me to bed. I'm asked to be involved in activities but then I don't get a chance for downtime. 
​​I need you to be in bed by 10 at the latest because sleep is important for your growth, brain development and mood. I don't want your phone in your bedroom.
2. Brainstorm solutions. Let each person share all of their ideas and record them, even if some ideas seem outrageous to you.
Use phone
  • during break right after school
  • right before dinner
  • before school
  • in bed when relaxing.
Use phone
  • before school
  • during breaks at school
  • before you start practice
  • before you start homework.
3. Evaluate ideas. Check or highlight ideas that are acceptable to both parties.
Use phone
  • during break right after school
  • right before dinner
  • before school
  • after I finish homework
  • in bed when relaxing.
​Use phone
  • before school
  • during breaks at school
  • before you start practice
  • before you start homework.
4. Decide on a final solution and 5. Implement.
We agree that I can use my phone before and after school for 30 minutes. If my homework is finished and there is time, I can have 30 minutes before getting my shower and relaxing before bed. I won't have any screen time for the hour leading up to my bedtime. We'll touch base in two weeks and decide if this is working well.
​
6. Evaluate the solution.
Meet after the agreed upon trial period and adjust the plan as needed.
I want to draw attention to the point that all of these discussions happen with different types of I-messages. If I start my discussions with I-messages of one kind or another. The person I'm talking with cannot dismiss my thoughts and my feelings. More importantly, the other person does not have a feeling of being cornered. How do you feel you would react if someone said, "You wasted a lot of my time yesterday when I was really busy." How differently would you react if I said, "I really value my time at work because I have a 2.5 year old to play with when I get home. Can I ask you to schedule a time with me in advance?" Using a you-statement makes the person on the other end feel a need to defend actions, whereas an I-statement helps the other person empathize with the person delivering the message. Try to shift from starting sentences with "you" when you have a concern.
As I've already said, this might seem unrealistic and certainly will feel extremely challenging for many people. Give it a try. With practice I honestly believe your relationships will improve considerably. 
Take care,
Sharon
Gordon, Dr Thomas. “Gordon Training International.” Gordon Training International, 2016, www.gordontraining.com/. Accessed 24 Aug. 2017.
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Mindfulness

3/2/2017

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I know I have briefly mentioned mindfulness in past entries but I want to take some time to focus on this issue in more depth. I will start with a quote I received from the Headpace app two days ago, "Our state of mind defines every single relationship in our life. So why do we not make looking after it a priority?" If you have worked with me, you know I preach this regularly. We are quick to go to the doctor if we have a physical symptom and we definitely wouldn't ignore a cancer or diabetes diagnosis or leave a fracture untreated. When it comes to our mental health, how many of us say, "Oh, it's just a phase." We see family or friends struggling with their mental health and our advice is, "Suck it up. People have worse things to deal with." Mental health is a key part of our well being and when our mental health is out of sorts, other parts of our health can go downhill quickly. Make mental health a priority, not an afterthought.
Practicing mindfulness daily can be a perfect start to looking after your mental state.

What is mindfulness?

There are many definitions of mindfulness but according to Psychology Today, "Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you are mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them as good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience (2017)."
What does that mean? Mindfulness is when you take time each day to just be. In that time, you let thoughts come and go without holding back any emotions entering your mind, and you do this without judging yourself. When is that last time you took ten minutes to be with your own thoughts? This can be a scary thought for many of us which is why we tend to keep ourselves busy when we are struggling. I'm suggesting that with daily practice you realize you want to just "be" instead. In time you will find that when you are practicing mindfulness, the random thoughts have slowed. Before you know it, you see a change in how you think, feel, and react throughout the day.

How did I get started?

When I started, I used two apps, Headspace and Simply Being. They are simple to use and you don't have to know a thing about mindfulness to begin. I chose to practice during a ten minute work break and right before bed. You can choose any time of day and you can be mindful during any activity. I'd suggest you start simply, though, like I did. If you tend to check  news or social networking first thing in the morning or before going to bed, try mindfulness instead for a week and see if you notice a positive change.

Some ways I apply mindfulness

Child-rearing - I have a toddler who gets up twice every night and always has. Instead of judging myself or this little gem, I decided to use that time to simply be present with her. At the age when she needed held, I'd looked closely at her while thoughts and emotions came and went. Not all of my thoughts were positive, she was getting me up at 11:30 pm and 2:30 am and was ready to start her day at 5 am. Don't assume that you will only have positive thoughts and emotions; that's not what mindfulness is about. "Girl, I'd really like you to quickly down this drink and get back to sleep." Or, "I'm so lucky to have this little cutie." I randomly felt sad, frustrated, happy, fortunate, calm, overwhelmed, loving, and so on. Believe it or not, I do the same thing when she's having a tantrum. "She's trying to tell me something so I need to try to help her communicate," or "I have no idea what she wants and I feel like crying myself." The thoughts and emotions coming and going can be all over the place but I find myself quite calm even at these stressful times.
My child knows the voice of Andy from Headspace and likes the soothing sound of the ocean background in Simply Being. We have a routine of reading a few books and then I say, "Would you like to hear Andy or the ocean?" She is very clear of her preference on a given day. Sometimes when really tired, she says, "Mama, Andy," or "Mama, ocean." 
Eating- The first time I tried mindful eating was during one of my counseling courses. We were given a raisin and our professor talked about the ways we should look at the raisin. He had us move the raisin around between our finger and thumb to feel the wrinkles and the texture. We then smelled the raisin and he had us visualize the grape hanging on a vine in the countryside being hit with sunshine. He talked us through the whole process of the grape being picked, dried, and shipped. We closed our eyes, put the raisin in our mouth, and moved it around without biting it. By the time we ate the raisin, I could not believe how it tasted. Unreal. Of course we don't mindfully eat every morsel of food every day. When I do try mindful eating, I'm always amazed how much tastier the food I'm eating tastes. One thing I've noticed is that it's quite tricky to drink a soft drink or have packaged foods that you cannot even begin to trace back to their roots after mindfully eating. I really think about what I'm putting in my body at  all times. If you struggle with being an emotional eater, mindfulness might be a good place to start. Headspace has a series for mindful eating.
 At school - For many years now I have worked mindfulness into lessons, assemblies, group, and individual counseling sessions. It's quite amazing to have an entire school doing a breathing exercise and watch everyone's shoulders drop to a relaxed state. I also counsel people with serious issues so I practice mindfulness when I need to practice self-care during the school day. If I have a deadline I'm trying to meet and find myself running low on energy or ability to focus, mindfulness is my way to fight through.
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When exercising or in nature - I often practice mindfulness when I run or walk in nature. Some of my best problem solving happens from the thoughts that come and go on a run. Sometimes I run to a designated spot, like the beach, and practice while watching waves come in or I head out on a hiking trail and sit beside a babbling stream for a short while. Being among nature is one of my favorite ways to sneak in mindfulness. Many of you already experience mindfulness if you participate in yoga courses.

Benefits of Mindfulness

I took an edX course run by Dr Dacher Keltner and Dr Emiliana Simon-Thomos called Science of Happiness (2014). In this course they run through many studies that have been conducted to check the effectiveness of Mindfulness. Some of the benefits are shared below. 
Decrease in:
  • negative emotions 
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • pain and chronic pain 
  • being critical while ruminating about self
  • contempt and hostility
  • stress markers in blood and saliva
Increase in:
  • ability to regulate emotion
  • positive emotions
  • helping deal with unpleasant thoughts without being overwhelmed
  • coping
  • life satisfaction
  • ability to judge others' emotions
  • responses to stress
  • feelings of helpfulness
  • resilience
  • memory and attention
  • self compassion
  • strength and size of parts of brain dealing with attention, concentration, emotional intelligence, and compassion
I highly recommend taking the free online course and learning about the specific studies conducted around mindfulness and other aspects of well being.
Look at the benefits above. If you find that you struggle, could starting mindfulness practice be a step to get you moving in the right direction? For those of you who have attention difficulties, be patient when you first start. Understand that mindfulness does not come easily and takes persistence, an open-mind, and understanding of the importance of being patient with yourself as you learn. Start small, just a few minutes a day and build from there.
Resources
Mindfulness for the classroom - appropriate for teachers or parents with no experience 
Mindfulness resources for teens and teachers building programs - appropriate for adults, as well
Mindfulness resources  for all ages
Science of Happiness - can take the course for free or a minimal fee if you'd like a certificate of completion
Information about Mindful Based Cognitive Therapy - includes simple exercises
2017 Mindfulness articles - includes articles with links to videos, courses, child, teen, and adult activities
Quiz created by Greater Good out of Berkley to get a sense of where you are in terms of mindfulness.

Cardaciotto, Herbert L., J. D. Forman, E. Moitra, and V. Farrow. "Mindfulness Quiz." Greater Good. Berkley, 2008. Web. 02 Mar. 2017.
Hannay, Catharine. "Five Senses Snack: A Mindful Eating Chart." Mindful Teachers. Mindfulteachers.org, 9 Aug. 2013. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.
Keltner, Dacher and Emiliana Simon-Thomas. "Science of Happiness." Science of Happiness. Berkley. 20 Oct. 2014. EdX - Science of Happiness. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.
Puddicombe, Andy. Andy Puddicombe: All it takes is 10 mindful minutes | TED Talk | TED.com. N.p., Jan. 2013. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.
Tix, Andy, Thomas Hills, and Eval Winter. Mindfulness." Psychology Today. N.p., 2017. Web. 02 Mar. 2017.
Stahl, Bob. MBSRWorkbook. 
Raisin Meditation. YouTube, 22 Mar. 2010. Web. 29 Apr. 2017.
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New year, new country?

1/8/2017

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For those of us in the international world, this is a time of year where some are in the midst of trying to get positions for their next location. Congratulations to those of you who have successfully landed your next spot! There are a lot of things to consider. Do we go or is it better to stay? If we go, what exactly are we looking for in the next place: location, workplace environment, professional growth, options for outdoor exploring, a challenge, a great package? Even with a clear plan, this international world of moving lends to uncertainty. I'm quite certain international educators are rare in that we have to decide we are moving and resign before we have a clue where we are going next. Basically from around October peers in our communities have been looking at openings, getting excited, and at times dealing with rejection. Some won't find their match until much later this school year. The process can be nearly a school year of added stress that others may or may not be aware of.

I think one key to this process is to try to not take a school's response, or lack thereof, personally. I have seen both sides of this process and the hiring side is trying to piece together a complex puzzle. Teachers apply who are: single, a couple, or same sex couple; minorities; with or without children; inexperienced but vibrant or experienced on the higher end of the pay scale; from a country that complicates Visa issues; or in a partnership where one partner is highly desirable and the other not for this particular year. You get the idea. The bottom line is that you look at a school's needs and see that you are a great fit but you do not know what they need for their particular school nor do you always know their restrictions. They have a very clear idea of the type of client that manages well and is safe in their host country and school. They are considering how mixed a department or grade level team is. There can be hundreds of applicants for one position and as applicants we often forget this because we are so anxious about landing the dream job. 
Administrators looking to move on also face challenges. They apply for a position and there typically seem to be 70 - 100+ applicants. If lucky, they get an initial fifteen minute interview followed by a possible two, three, or more interviews. If selected, they are often one of two or three flown to a country, which means they take off work to have
33-50% odds of landing the job. If they don't get it, they dust themselves off, pick up their ego, and start the process again. Imagine going through this process while recruiting for your current school's staffing needs and running a school.
Key things to consider:
  • Ask for a hand if you are overwhelmed at work. Look especially for the staff who are staying put and not in the same boat you are in. We've all been there and know how stressful job searches can be.
  • Start discussing with the agencies, like Search and ISS, how upsetting it is to complete all of their paperwork for the hiring process only to have individual schools expect you to complete similar forms on their own sites. This is becoming quite time consuming and undoubtedly impacts instruction and learning. Perhaps the agencies and schools need to get on board with each other and improve the systems. As educators we have to push that discussion.
  • Ask your administrators if they have any tips for making yourself more marketable. Do they have any suggestions for improving your CV or your personal statement? Ask their opinion of your areas for growth so you can prepare yourself to address them in an interview. What do they view as your greatest strengths? Use these as a focus when asked to talk about yourself.
  • Network. If you see a school with an opening and know someone working there, reconnect and ask for opinions about the school and see if they mind putting in a good word for you.
  • Try not to be too discouraged if you go to a fair and don't land a position right away. Sometimes the administrators are heading from one fair to another and wait until they finish to make offers for certain positions. Another type of situation could be that you are an Art teacher they find very appealing but there is a decent Art teacher attached to a partner who is an excellent Physics teacher. The school might be desperate for a Physics teacher and have to offer to the couple first. Perhaps the school is in a country that allows staff to resign quite late in the process so they must wait for the actual resignation before offering you a contract. Again, the puzzles behind the scenes are impossible for you to know, although many schools are quite upfront. If you are not going to a fair, expect to wait until they've seen candidates in person. You might be on the back of their minds but they have chosen to see what the fairs have to offer first.
  • Look at this time as an exciting opportunity to take risks and try to expand your experiences. Don't be afraid to ask to interview for a position outside of your comfort zone. Did you ever read the statistic from a Hewlett Packard report where they found men will go for a job when they meet 60% of the qualifications, but women only apply if they meet 100% of them (Mohr)? Schools put out the ideal qualifications but they often cannot find the ideal candidate so why not put yourself out there if you have experience relevant to the position? One of the best decisions I made was moving from Primary to Middle School teaching because someone suggested my teaching style was perfect for the age group. Take an interview for a place you were sure you would never live. I can honestly say I never pictured myself living in Dhaka, Bangladesh before going there. There are some truly amazing school communities in challenging places. Sometimes you get the ideal school and community, sometimes it's the location, and on occasion you luck into both? Open your mind to the possibilities.
  • Be careful if you are a teaching couple to carefully discuss if one of you will be willing to step back in your career if the other gets an opportunity. You don't want to have this discussion after signing. It's not easy to be a trailing partner when you are a high flier in your own career. Have the discussion early on. Ask before signing if the trailing partner lands a job with the school later on if they are considered a local hire (in other words local pay). If so, does that matter to your financial situation? What will the trailing partner do if not working?
  • If you have children old enough to understand, have you shared with them that you are moving? I have a friend currently interviewing at a fair and as soon as she found out which schools wanted a second interview with her, her and her kids got on the computer and researched the schools and the cities. Although her kids will obviously not make the final decision, they had an opportunity to give input. If you only have one choice, you obviously have to take a different approach. Perhaps you ask your children to find five things that they'd like to explore if they moved to that city and three things that sound exciting about the school.
  • Don't become so consumed with looking for positions that you forget to look after yourself. Have a few set times in the day that you look for positions and send applications and then let it go until the following day. Keep a check on your physical, intellectual, emotional, and social well-being and be mindful of your interactions with the people you love.
​For those of you looking, I'm in this boat with you. With much needed support, we will make it through this process just as we have in the past. Thanks to my ladies who are keeping me sane.
Best of luck, Sharon
Mohr, Tara Sophia. "Why Women Don't Apply for Jobs Unless They're 100% Qualified" Hiring, Harvard Business Review, 25 Aug. 2014, https://hbr.org/2014/08/why-women-dont-apply-for-jobs-unless-theyre-100-qualified. Accessed 12 Jan. 2017.
https://thumbs.dreamstime.com./z/businessman-pointing-spot-world-map-275570892.jpg. Accessed 12 Jan.2017.


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'Tis the season

12/4/2016

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Regardless of where you live, this time of year is full of festivities. Many of us enjoy this time of year but I think it's a good time to remind people to look out for those who are on their own, struggling with their mental or physical health, having financial difficulties, lost a loved one in the past year, and those fighting addiction to name a few. Some of you reading this are thinking this is the toughest time of the year for you and you might not even be able to pinpoint why. Following are some simple suggestions to help yourself or others at this time of the year.

Sun and nature

This time of year can be a challenge in the Northern Hemisphere because people go to school or work in the dark and come home in the dark. Trust me when I tell you that counselors see an uptick in lines outside their door during darker months. People have dips in serotonin levels and the decrease in sunlight can trigger depression. Changes in melatonin levels can change your sleep patterns and mood (Mayo Clinic Staff). If you notice that you feel low this time of year:
  • take a walk outside during your lunch break and maybe grab a friend you think needs to join you
  • find a nice bench to enjoy a tea or coffee outside during breaks
  • drag your laptop to a picnic table and take in some fresh air while you work outside
  • stay active so you get the mental health benefits of exercise
  • use the weekends to take advantage of daylight hours and take up new outdoor activities, like mountain biking, hiking, or cross country skiing 
  • make an appointment to see a doctor or therapist, especially if this dip in mood happens to you yearly.

Holiday blues

Holidays can be quite stressful and people who don't struggle can be quite relentless with those who do. Give consideration to some of the following situations:
  • ​Many recovering addicts get invited to party after party where there will be alcohol and maybe even drugs. If you have a friend you know is in recovery, offer an alternative to all of the parties, like going to a newly released movie, having a game night, going for a massage, or hitting a coffee shop. If recovering addicts do show up at a party, be their ally. People put tremendous pressure on others at parties to just have "one drink" and having you there can make all of the difference. When people offer a drink, tell them you were just headed to get each of you something.
  • People struggling financially often feel awkward showing up to places where endless gifts are being passed around. Maybe consider going as a group to do some charitable work instead of focusing on gift giving. Invite them over for dinner instead of asking them to go out to spend money they don't have. 
  • Family tension can be a cause for drama this time of year. Perhaps you can invite the person feeling left out to visit at a time that will be less stressful. Talk with your guests about other topics rather than the family issues. If you have been harboring ill feelings toward someone for quite some time about an issue that is not trauma related, forgiveness is worth considering. Forgiveness is something you do for yourself and the other person doesn't necessarily have to know. Letting go of those feelings does not mean you forget or condone but you let go for your own health benefits, such as decreases in stress, blood pressure, anger, depression, and hurt with increases in optimism, hope, compassion, and physical vitality (Keltner & Simon-Thomas). 
  • If you know someone who has lost a loved one over the past year or so, the holidays are a reminder of times well spent with that person but can also be a reminder of the loss. Make a special effort to check on people who are grieving and don't feel like you have to shy away from mentioning the person who died. Yes, a grieving person might cry but that's normal. Imagine losing someone special and having no one even mention the person over the holidays.
  • Those of us who live overseas know all too well how this time of year can be if you live alone or without extended family nearby. Expats often become quite good at making their own families in every country where they live. Give a bit of time to think of people you know who are on their own for the holidays. Extend invitations and make phone calls or send texts to show you care. Don't forget to invite foreigners to experience holidays of their host culture. There are military men and women who will not make it home so send cards and offer support to their family at home.
  • Be mindful of those who are not extroverted. They might not want to come to a big party but might really appreciate an invite to a quaint restaurant or a home cooked meal at your place. Maybe an invite to a little Netflix marathon would work.
  • People who struggle with their mental and physical health can find this time of year particularly challenging. Touch base. Ask the person what's going well and share what you are both grateful for. Ask the person to join you for a walk outside. Offer to pick the person up to go to a small social gathering to have some laughs. If you see the person really struggling, ask if you can call to make a doctor's appointment for a health checkup. I often ask if they want me to drive and go in to share with the doctor what I'm seeing. This can really take the pressure off. If you are struggling with your mental health, reach out to people you know will be compassionate and supportive. There is nothing wrong with getting in touch with someone and saying, "Hey, I've hit a serious low point and I really need support. Can you come over?" Keep trying until you find the right person. Remember that many countries have suicide hotline numbers for you to use if you feel suicidal. 

Self-Care

Make sure at this busy time of year that you take time to recharge your batteries. You cannot look after others if you don't keep yourself healthy and balanced. Self-care is something I mention regularly. There are endless ways to look after yourself but here are a few simple suggestions:
Physical
  • exercise
  • get out in nature
  • get plenty of sleep
  • eat well
  • watch your alcohol intake
  • practice mindfulness
  • get a yearly physical
  • dance
Social
  • invite your best friend for a coffee
  • host a game night
  • go bowling
  • play cards or board games
  • sing karaoke
  • join a group, like Rotary or Lion's Club​​
  • volunteer with friends​
  • try a new recipe or take a cooking class​​

Intellectual
  • try an online course of interest
  • read a book for enjoyment
  • practice a foreign language
  • complete puzzles 
  • plan a trip
  • go to a museum
  • learn a new hobby
  • try a do-it-yourself project
Emotional 
  • watch your favorite show or go to a movie
  • take a long bath
  • go for a massage
  • practice mindfulness
  • reconnect with an old friend
  • find ways to experience awe 
  • write thank you or gratitude cards
  • draw or write

Seeking therapy

Check your insurance to see if you are covered for going to a counselor or therapist. If you are, take advantage of this benefit. How often do you have the opportunity to sit in front of someone who is there solely for you and is truly neutral? Typically when someone talks to me the first time they end by saying "I can't believe how much I just shared with you. I figured I'd just sit here and have nothing to say." Your mental health is as important as your physical health. How much time are you investing in each? Make your well-being a priority.
Resources
International Suicide Hotline 
US Suicide Hotline 
US Veterans Crisis Site

US Domestic Violence Hotline
Hotlines listed by country​
Staff, Mayo Clinic. “Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) Causes.” Mayoclinic, 12 Sept. 2014, http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/causes/con-20021047. Accessed 6 Dec. 2016.
Keltner & Simon-Thomas. “Science of Happiness.” EdX. Online Course, Berkley. Sept. 2014. Online Lecture.
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Let's get real about the maltreatment of women and children

7/10/2016

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Picture
As a teacher and counselor, I can tell you that I've had far too many days where it took everything in me to keep my composure while in front of children and teens. There are times that I've heard such heart-wrenching stories that I have literally fallen apart in front of peers, or if lucky, I've managed to hold it together until I've walked through the door of my home. Children and teens of every society are vulnerable and at times they witness their moms being in helpless situations, as well. In many societies, there is still often no way out. As an example, in Bangladesh, 87% of married women will be victims of abuse by their husbands and the country is ill-equipped with services to help (Corraya, 2014). Don't think for a moment the abuse ends with the wife. To make matters worse, financial laws are in favor of men. In 2013, the Health, Labor and Welfare Ministry of Japan reported that 73,765 cases of abuse were handled by their child services (Ito). Reporting is up but that does not necessarily equate to help. In a conference I attended in Tokyo on helping abused children, counselors and teachers were told to encourage children to report their own parents for abuse because if a child reported the abuse, the help happened much more swiftly. In Germany and the US, social services exist but the social workers are often overwhelmed. In Mauritius, as in many places, abuse is often not reported due to cultural stigma (Lexpress, 2007). In the expat scene, abused trailing partners and children are often in very vulnerable positions if they are in a country on dependent Visas with the trailing partner having no financial means.
Why do I share this with you? Regardless of where I have lived, women and children often live in trying circumstances and have no way out, or the way out is not promising. I do not mean to imply that men are never victims, especially if they are homosexual or transgender, nor do I want to make light of the seriousness of men's issues. My focus for this post will be on women, children, and teens, as statistics warrant this being presented as a separate issue; however, many of the links I share also include statistics about men.
My goal with this post is to maybe help you to help the children and the women we love live as safe and healthy a life as possible. We can't be with our own children all day, every day and we can't take our most troubled students home with us. We can try to prepare them with tools and knowledge and ensure they know we are their best partners in life. We can look out for the struggling children in our communities. I venture to say that one of the biggest mistakes we make, though done with the best of intentions, is trying to keep our own children in a bubble. Accurate, timely information is key, and as adults, we need to start discussing these taboo topics with one another more honestly and openly. I'm going to provide you with the information to get these discussions started.

Infants, toddlers, and pre-schoolers

  • Teach your children the appropriate words for their body parts. Read the body safety books listed in the "Resource" section to your children.
  • Screen all people who care for your children, work, or live in your home. All of them, including potential step-parents. If you live somewhere where background checks mean something, insist on one or pay for it yourself because it's the best money you will spend. If you live somewhere where background checks are a joke, personally talk to everyone who has previously hired this person to work with their children. If their children are old enough, have a casual chat about what they liked best about the person. If you live in an expat bubble, don't be foolish and think you know better than everyone else; hire someone with experience and a good reputation within the community. I started a Google data base at a former school for staff to share nanny, maid, and driver referees. Any expat workplace or Facebook group could do this.
  • Check that schools, pre-schools, camps, and places of worship conduct background checks and have child protection policies. The same goes for any adults involved in running extra-curricular activities. These people have easy access to your children and should be screened carefully. No field trips should happen with only one chaperone. The international school scene is finally requesting that teachers and administrators have up-to-date background checks and references checking for any inappropriate behavior with children. Check to ensure your child's school uses recruiting agencies who insist on checks and references. Keep in mind this is fairly new and not as easy as you would think considering some police agencies globally can be bribed and abuse is not always reported by children.
  • Start teaching your children about safe touching. 20% of sexually abused children are abused before the age of 8 (D2L, 2013). Some people only talk to their children about what they should do if someone tries to touch their bathing suit area. First of all, people who do this are forgetting about oral sex. Another factor is that pedophiles often start by touching the hair or rubbing the back to gain trust. Be careful about the messages you send.
  • 90% of children who are sexually abused are abused by someone they know, 60% by someone the family trusts, and 30% by family members (D2L, 2013). Don't be under the impression that strangers are the biggest risk. This is why solely teaching "stranger danger" misses the mark. If a child does not want to be held, hugged, or kissed by someone, don't force them. Consider teaching your children to fist bump, high five, or blow kisses.
  • In some countries sex offenders have to register. If possible, check with police if there are any sex offenders living near you.
  • According to WHO, 25% of adults globally report having been physically abused as a child. If you were abused, seek help. If abuse is currently happening in your home, seek help from a family therapist. Stopping this cycle is crucial, as the damage for children growing up in violent homes is long lasting.
  • If you suspect or know abuse is happening in someone's home, offer support. If you are a staff member in a school, make sure you know what is expected by law if you suspect any type of abuse. If you are confronting anyone about abusing their child, do not do so right before a weekend or vacation. Understand that confrontation can have serious consequences for children and their mother. If you have never reported someone before, get advice from someone who has.

Resources

  • ​Female anatomy - side view
  • Female anatomy
  • Male anatomy- side view
  • Male anatomy
  • ​List of children's books about body safety
  • Teacher/counselor resource kit on body safety
  • ​Endless statistics on Child Sexual Abuse - must read
  • ​Statistics on the state of the world's children - look for stats of where you live if you move a lot
  • ​Child molestation prevention, case sample, and links to endless resources ​
  • Types of abuse children face and warning signs of all types of abuse
  • Impact of abuse
  • Sexual Education by age groups 2 - 18
  • Sample child protection policy YMCA
  • Sample child protection policy I co-wrote for school in country with no outside support

5 to 9 year olds

  • Continue addressing all points above.
  • Get your children involved in confidence building activities. Perhaps you can volunteer to lead or assist an activity or sport where you will have an opportunity to support children lacking positive role models. With the right instructor, this can be a great age for your children to develop a passion for self-defence/martial arts classes.
  • Use children's books to start teaching your children empathy. Ensure that any school they attend has written procedures in place to address bullying and those procedures are followed. If there is no policy, ask to be part of a group to create the policy. When I work with children, the bullying they do often mirrors the attitudes of their parents. Be careful about the comments and actions you make in front of your children, especially about those who are most marginalized in society. Inappropriate jokes about women, race, religious groups, and LGBT community, for instance, come into play in the school setting in the form of bullying. Being politically correct in front of your children is actually very important. Use TV shows and movies you watch together as another way to point out and reinforce empathy.
  • The impact of bullying on children is serious. If you find out your child is being bullied, be relentless in getting the issue resolved. If your child is a bully, discuss with the counselor how you can support behavior change. Note that a common characteristic of bullies is that they see violence and aggression at home. In other words, if your child is a bully, there is a good chance they learned the behavior in your home. Get help from a family therapist. A school counselor or administrator should be able to point you in the right direction.
  • Ensure that your child's school addresses safe touching and age appropriate Sexual Education (revisit the links in the previous section).
  • Consider how well you know the parents and older siblings of your children's peers before you allow sleep-overs. Sometimes it just doesn't matter if your child gets upset with you; err on the side of being overly cautious.
  • Establish a hand shake or signal that is subtle but that lets your children tell you they are nervous or scared and would like to leave a social gathering. Trust their instincts and trust yours.If you allow your children to stay at someone's house, establish a "safe" word that your children will say when you call them to check on them. Ex. "amusing" Hi, honey, how is your visit going? I'm having a fun time, mom. This show we watched was so amusing. This is your cue to create a reason to pick up your child.
  • This is not the easiest age to be learning about the Internet. Some schools use Edmodo or similar formats to teach children how to communicate online in a fully secure way. The teacher can see all communication and no outsiders can enter the class discussion. This is where you really see that children of this age are not ready to be using the Internet on their own. I've seen 9 year old children sending pornographic links to one another and bullying one another without any understanding that the teacher has a full view of what is going on. This type of format is safe for powerful learning opportunities.​
  • Educate yourself about Internet grooming.
  • Learn about latest trends in Internet safety protection and monitoring for electronic devices.
  • Understand that your children might open pornographic links if they are not being monitored. Many pornographic sites target sites frequently visited by young children, as do sites looking to steal your credit information. Children of this age might try to look up words they find funny, like "butt" or "boobs." Teach your children to show you anything on electronic devices that makes them upset, afraid, or uncomfortable. Take time to report anything inappropriate.
  • Start now with finding a social 16-20 year old who can regularly show you the latest social networking trends and how they work. In schools where students are required to do community service, ask the school to set up a parent group run by students knowledgeable about current social media trends. Find a group of willing parents and actually use these apps so you have clear understanding of the risks. ConnectSafely has excellent current articles on issues kids face online. Start researching parental software reviews and then realize the more tech savvy your children are, the less likely you will be able to successfully block them. Blocking should not be your only tool.
  • Be careful about your settings and the type of information you share about your children. For instance, posting your current location, your exact address, vacation photos while at the destination, your child's birth date, and cute photos of your baby naked are no-nos.​ Also remember that everything you post is out there and can be fair game for teasing or bullying by other children. Your information and photos can be shared without your permission, as you have no way of knowing your "friends" settings. If they have their settings open to "friends of friends" or worse yet "public," you have no way to fully control who is seeing your posts. Having the largest number of "friends" isn't necessarily the best idea if you share a lot of photos and information about your life. Consider creating closed family or friend groups if you want to regularly share updates of your children.

Resources

  • ​​PDF- lessons 6, 8, 10 year olds on personal body safety - counselors, teachers, or parents
  • Kidpower - 30 skill challenge for empowering kids
  • A Mighty Girl - collection of resources for smart, confident, and courageous girls
  • ​Internet grooming - info for parents
  • ​Pornography and grooming - info for parents
  • Internet safety​
  • Parent and teacher resource for connecting safely
  • Common sense media for parents and teachers
  • Parental software reviews
  • PDF toolkit for 3 - 13 year olds- teaching empathy
  • Children's books for teaching empathy- 2 to 13+ years
  • Tips for creating bullying prevention policies

10-12 year olds

  • Continue reviewing sections above.
  • Emphasize the importance of healthy friendships and relationships. Again, use books, movies, TV shows, advertisements, current events,and music videos as ways to discuss if a friendship or relationship is healthy. Use media material to ask your children how they would react in different situations.
  • Start helping your children recognize and break down gender and sexuality stereotypes. As a starting point, you might like the videos created by Always and Nike posted below. 
  • 1 in 5 children will report being bullied at some point in their schooling. This is the age group where I see the most cyberbullying, because parents are not sticking to the 13 year old guideline for social networking; the result is serious issues which cause disruption in the school setting. I use Olweus materials to teach children, teachers, and parents about bullying. The Olweus bullying circle is very helpful and a great tool for teaching your children about bullying. If your children attend a school that has a serious bullying issue, I'd be happy to share with the counselors or administration how I've worked with administrative teams to tackle this in the international school setting. Cyberbullying issues are often happening at home but disrupt learning at school. They need to be addressed firmly by the school.
  • Beyond bullying, according to SelfieCop research, 25% of children as young as 10 have engaged in sexting.Talk openly with your children about what they should do if someone requests a photo or they've received or sent an inappropriate message or image.​
  • If you haven't already done so, start teaching your children how to communicate using I-messages. I cannot begin to tell you how effective this style of communication is for improving communication in the home. As your children become more natural at I-messages, you will see an increase in assertive and effective communication.
  • This age group is subject to having peers and adults inappropriately comment on their changing bodies. Refrain from making insensitive comments that you might think are funny and stop others if they start commenting about your children in this way.By hearing you stop this type of talk, your children learn how to address an uncomfortable situation assertively. Ex. I'm going to stop you right there. What I'm hearing you say is making me uncomfortable and that's not okay. ​This is an example of an I-message, which your child needs to learn how to use effectively. On this front, watch how you comment on people's body image in general. Be careful not to be critical of your own or your partner's body.
  • Continue helping your children pursue activities to boost self confidence. Often the activities they love at this age involve a supportive peer group with similar interests. Again, you might want to consider letting your children learn self-defence.
  • I often teach boys at the age of 12 that many behaviors men find funny, harmless, and complimentary are actually quite scary and creepy for women. Ex. a group of men whistling at a woman, walking too closely to a woman who is by herself, or commenting on or touching a woman's body. They see these examples in social media and get very mixed messages. Be clear about how everyone deserves to feel safe and be treated respectfully. This video of a woman walking through NYC is a good starting point for this conversation. Talk openly with women you know, and I'm sure they will have examples of times men have made them feel very unsafe.

Resources

  • Olweus website - bullying prevention
  • SelfieCop research on sexting
  • ​I-messages and attentive listening
  • Feeling words to use in I-messages
  • Developmental stages for friendship skills from birth to 18 years
  • Parenting ideas for helping your children develop healthy relationships 
  • Teacher's guide for healthy relationships
  • Activities for healthy relationships from K - 12
  • 8 Things you and your teen need to know about sexting

13-18 year olds

  • Continue reviewing sections above.
  • Look closely at how genders are portrayed in media. Genderads.com has an endless supply of advertisements showing how women and men are portrayed. 
  • Boost the confidence of your teens. This is the time when they are insecure and quickly check out of the activities and sports that would serve them well. Pay particular attention to girls dropping out of activities once they start their menstrual cycle. This study by Jewitt and Ryley in 2014 highlights the reality some young women in developing countries face during their cycle. Strive to have your teen be active at least 60 minutes a day. Again, some form of self-defence is a good option. Watch the clip below by Always on the messages young women hear regularly.
  • Continue working on using I-messages to help your teens address stereotypes,bullying, relationship issues, and so on. 
  • 44% of boys have seen sexual images of girls in their school. Depending on age, sharing of sexts can be viewed as distributing pornography (SelfieCop).
  • SelfieCop reports that 44% of teens state that sexts are often shared with third parties. Girls are more likely to be the victims of this sharing and cyberbullying.
  • Continue using real life examples to talk to your teen about different types of relationships. I use Sternberg Triangles to teach teens that at different stages in life, people might choose different types of relationships. Again, use relationships they see in media to help them understand the types and to identify and articulate what they want in relationships at their age. Use the lovely scene from the movie Up to get started; then have them look at music videos with a story line or clips from TV series, like Modern Family. I always start with relationships that are easy to identify and then move to complicated ones. 
  • Teach your sons how to respect women and model how your daughters should be treated. 
  • Help teens understand that both people need to be comfortable with every stage of a relationship. I-messages again become very important. [Ex. I just want to be very clear from the beginning, I'm very into my sports and I have goals for attending university. I have no intentions of being sexually active in high school. Ex. I want to talk about where our relationship is now and where I'd like it to go over the next few months.] Al Vernacchio shared a TedTalk on how we need a better metaphor for sexual relationships than baseball. His idea is quite clever and worth a listen. Have discussions about consent with teens so there is no doubt they have a clear understanding.  I like the British police take on using a cup of tea to explain consent. 
  • Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault (RAINN, 2016). About half of all rapes are committed by someone the victim knows (New, 2014). 
  • Teach young people that their role is to always look after their friends or person they are dating with mutual respect. When the time is right, use these safe partying tips out of Australia as a starting point. Don't wait until your teen is partying, start these discussions early. Again, I like to use current events as a natural segue. Be the parent that will help teens when they feel a situation is out of control.
  • Unhealthy relationships can be a serious reality for teens and parents and teachers often do not pick up on the signs. Sexual Education at this age should include information on healthy relationships and how to detect unhealthy ones. Every time I teach about abusive relationships, I see students looking around and it's quite evident they know struggling peers in need of support for getting out of a bad situation.
  • Learn about sextortion.
  • Pornography is a topic you should discuss with your children. An article posted by the BBC mentioned that 53% of children they surveyed between the ages of 11 and 16 had viewed pornography online (94% by the age of 14). I have taught teens who are very worried that what they've seen watching online pornography is what is expected of men and women in a typical relationship. While natural curiosity is going to play a part in opening links, understand that some teens do indeed watch an excessive amount of pornography to the point of being desensitized. Time wrote an excellent article called Porn and the Threat to Virility. You have to pay for the article if you do not have a Time subscription but it's a fascinating read. Don't freak out if you find out your children have been watching pornography. Instead, use this as an opportunity to talk about healthy relationships and the fact that these pornography stars are acting out a script (for lack of better word). Be aware that your children might come across child pornography, which you should report to cybertipline or interpol.
  • Mental health issues are the leading cause of illness and disability with this age group. We cannot continue to ignore struggling teens or ask them to just "suck it up." Suicide is the third leading cause of death for this age group (WHO, 2016). Never leave a suicidal child or teen unattended and get them to see a doctor as soon as possible. I can't tell you the number of times I have had parents tell me their child/teen has mentioned being suicidal but they figured it was a phase. Warning signs should never be ignored. Be on the look out for depression, self harm, and eating disorders/exercise compulsion, as well. The best advice I can give you from my experience is to try not to panic if your teen is struggling from a mental health issue. Listen. Tell your teen you understand the seriousness of the issue and you will find help together. These issues are not issues for you to solve without the help of outside mental health care and medical providers. Can you re-read that last sentence, please?
  • Read this article if you believe your child might be homosexual and this one if you believe your child might be transgender. All I can tell you as a counselor is there is a huge difference between the mental health of LGBT children/teens with supportive and unsupportive parents and school environments. The CDC provides statistics and advice for parents and schools. If you work in international schools, you need to be aware of the local laws and organizations pertaining to the LBGT community. Your school setting might be the safest place for some of your students so ensure you have a welcoming environment.

Resources

  • Teens need to be active
  • Quiz to check if a teen's relationship is healthy
  • ABCs of a healthy relationship
  • UN adolescent health risks and solutions
  • Understanding addiction risks for teens - National Institute on Drug Abuse: Advancing Addiction Science 
  • Global suicide data
  • Youth violence statistics - WHO
  • Depression -WHO
  • Sobering statistics on date rape in the US
  • Self harm statistics and information
  • Eating disorders statistics
  • Youth violence resources
  • Youth violence - WHO
  • Source for teaching about gender in advertising
  • S.E.X. the all-you-need-to-know sexuality guide to get you through your teens and twenties - book to buy for high school/college aged or for teachers/counselors to use as a resource (covers everything imaginable, including consent and abuse)
  • www.scarleteen.com/ - site to go with book listed above
  • FBI video on sextortion
  • Article on police taking over a pedophile site

Women

I have to admit that this topic of maltreatment of women and children/teens is often on my mind, but I started this blog shortly after reading an article about a woman raped behind a dumpster at a party near Stanford University. The victim's statement to the court stayed with me and I think of her often. Along with other global cases in the media at the time, I do believe her statement ignited international dialogue about violence against women; her statement highlighted that we have far more work to do globally to change cultural views and the judicial process victims face.
I have included resources that provide information about safety on university campuses, workplace sexual harassment, stalking, and domestic violence.
  • ​According to WHO 35% of women will be victims of sexual or physical violence in their lifetime. The UN is one global group working to create programs to end violence against women.
  • WHO also reports that more than 35% of femicide cases globally are committed by an intimate partner.
  • 6 out of 1000 rapists in the US will be arrested (RAINN). 17 and 23% charged with sexual assault in Australia and Canada, respectively, will be convicted. Programs like MenCanStopRape, take the ownership of preventing rape from women and target helping men to understand healthy, nonviolent masculinity.
  • Percentages of women in various countries who are being sexually harassed in the workplace. Learn UN's women's empowerment principles for businesses. Learn about sexist remarks and ways to stop them.
  • Among other benefits, reducing gender inequality increases a country's productivity and economic growth.
  • Learn these tips to avoid being a victim of a cyberstalker.

Resources

  • Blueprint for campus police: responding to sexual assault - long PDF but well worth a read - incredibly informative for university students and parents
  • Safety for university students - RAINN.org
  • Companion app - never walk home alone
  • 5 iPhone and Android safety apps
  • Signs of domestic abuse
  • ​UK - end violence against women
  • Australia - Center against sexual assault
  • UN statistics on violence against women
  • ​Violence against women - WHO
  • Femicide -WHO - types and prevalence, as well as risk and protective factors
  • Connecting the Dots: An Overview of the Links Among Multiple Forms of Violence - CDC
  • TedX talk - Crazy Love - one woman's story of why women stay in domestic violence relationships - must watch
  • Why women don't report - includes video clips
  • Stalking fact sheet - US
  • International legislation on stalking by country
  • 9 key issues facing women and children
  • ​Template for sexual harassment policy
  • Sexual harassment in the workplace- global study
  • Prevalence of sexual harassment in the workplace - Stop Violence Against Women
  • The Case for Gender Equality- World Economic Forum
  • Gender Gap by Country - World Economic Forum
  • The Gift of Fear and Other Signals of Violence by Gavin DeBecker - book recommended by my dear friends, Dana and Ashton
  • Voices against violence curriculum for 5-25 year olds
  • Women you should know - site sharing about dynamic women

Ways to get involved

The issues I shared above are ones women, children, and teens I know are most likely to face. I recognize that I did not touch some of the pressing global issues for children and women but I've tried to include links below of ways you can get involved. I know people hesitate to leave comments on mental health blogs, but I would love for people to share any organizations or ideas you have for ways people can get involved with these issues. The whole point of the blog is to get people talking openly; changes are happening for the better but we all need to get involved.
  • Global Giving - crowdfunding used to support nonprofit organizations
  • V-day - organize an event or donate to end violence against women and children
  • Save the Children - International
  • RAINN - rape, abuse, and incest national network (US)
  • Women's Funding Network - largest philanthropic network devoted to women and girls
  • Melinda Gates' Top 5 foundations supporting women and children
  • Their world - giving children globally the best possible start
  • Child in crisis - educating children globally
  • Letgirlslearn - educating girls globally
  • World Bank - Financial inclusion of women
  • IRC - helping refugees
  • Days for Girls International - providing kits to keep menstruating girls from missing school
  • Organizations combatting human trafficking
  • Acid Survivors Foundation of Bangladesh and Acid Survivors Trust International
  • Honour Based Violence Awareness Network
  • Start Watch D.O.G.S. (Dads of Great Students) at your school - Getting dads more involved in schools internationally- National Center for Fathering -fabulous site with parenting ideas for dads
  • 16 organizations fighting female genital mutilation 
  • Contact a women's shelter in your area and ask how you can help
  • Volunteer at a local organization or hotline that provides help for women and children in need
  • Be a mentor for a child or teen in need
  • Create the safe place for children or teens to hang out
  • Get involved with school parent organizations
  • Volunteer to coach sports, run social clubs, or assist with Arts programs
  • Fight for legislation that addresses the maltreatment of women and children [Example]
Sources
The active links for videos and resources above will take you directly to the sites where I conducted my research. The other sources are listed below. Photo - here.
​ "Adolescents: Health Risks and Solutions." World Health Organization. WHO, May 2016. Web. 27 June 2016.
Corraya, Sumon. "BANGLADESH In Bangladesh, 87 per Cent of Women Victims of Domestic Violence."
BANGLADESH In Bangladesh, 87 per Cent of Women Victims of Domestic Violence. Asia News, 03 Feb. 2014. Web. 16 June 2016.
​"Darkness to Light." Darkness to Light - End Child Sexual Abuse. D2L, 2013. Web. 17 June 2016.
"Domestic Violence in Mauritius." Lexpress.mu. Lexpress, 08 Mar. 2007. Web. 17 June 2016.
​Ito, Masimi. "Waking up to Child Abuse | The Japan Times." Japan Times RSS. Japan Times, 13 Sept. 2014. Web. 16 June 2016.
Jackson, Andrew. "SelfieCop - Stats about Selfies & Sexting." SelfieCop. ISPCC, 2016. Web. 28 June 2016.
Jewitt, Sarah, and Harriet Ryley. "It’s a Girl Thing: Menstruation, School Attendance, Spatial Mobility and Wider Gender Inequalities in Kenya." Geoforum 56 (2014): 137-47. Web. 17 July 2016.
New, Michelle J., PhD. "Date Rape." KidsHealth - the Web's Most Visited Site about Children's Health. The Nemours Foundation, Oct. 2014. Web. 27 June 2016.​
"Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics | RAINN." Victims of Sexual Violence: Statistics | RAINN. RAINN, 2016. Web. 09 July 2016.
Comments

Dealing with pessimism

5/3/2016

 
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What do you do when you have all of 20 minutes to inhale lunch before you run to your next meeting and coming your way is an unbelievably pessimistic workmate? I have witnessed that many individuals are totally selfless in such situations and let the pessimistic person consume an entire break. Some people fuel the fire which means this is not the last time the pessimist will be sucking up every free moment of people's days.
​
What if reading the first paragraph made you anxious because you suddenly realized you monopolize work colleagues' time with your negativity? How do you even know for sure if you are pessimistic? Is it necessary to change? If so, what can you do to change?

I'm certainly not going to say that having negative thoughts or emotions is abnormal. As a matter of fact, we all know people who pretend to be so positive that no one buys a word they say. The basic idea is to try to increase your positive interactions and emotions in your work and personal relationships, as this spirals you upward. 

Positive : Negative Ratios

Self
> 3 : 1 but not more than 11 : 1 = Flourishing happens
< 3 : 1 = Languishing
< 1 : 1 = Depression is likely here
(Akhtar)
Teamwork
6 : 1 = High performing
> 1/2 of interactions are negative = Low performing, negative, outward focus for problems, stop questioning
3 : 1 = Tipping point for flourishing
​(Fredrickson)
In Couples
5 : 1 = Happy
0.8 : 1 = Indicator of divorce looming
2.4 : 1 = More likely to experience infidelity than those 4 : 1
(O'Hanlon&Berolino, 92)
​
Optimists vs Pessimists
OPTIMISTS
  • Thoughts are self-fulfilling
  • Show increased perseverance
  • Engage in difficult times
  • Take more initiative
  • Don't give up easily
  • Succeed
  • Report more happiness
  • Cope better
  • Maintain physical health
  • Have better morale and high self-regard
  • Experience more positive moods
  • Report less anxiety and depression
  • Discuss brighter prospects for the future
(Lyubormirsky, 107 & 304)

PESSIMISTS
  • Take events personally​
  • Think events are permanent
  • Assume events will affect everything
  • Thoughts fuel negative emotion
  • Experience more anxiety and depression
  • Are more likely to give up on goals
  • Feel more helpless
  • Report more illness
  • Struggle with academics, sports, and vocation
(Akhtar)
(Lyubomirsky,263)
(Peterson, 119)
Barbara Fredrickson has invested a great deal of her research time looking at happiness and the positivity ratio. On her Positivity website you can take a quick test rating yourself on 20 questions.This will give you a snapshot of how positive you are on this particular day, for instance mine was 3.3 : 1  the other day and 10:1 today. Try the test each day for two weeks to get a realistic picture of your positivity ratio. This will give you an idea if you tend to stay above 3:1.

Quick exercises to boost your optimism

  • Remember the Thought Checker I shared in December? This tool is perfect for tackling a negative thought you are having without having to share the negative thought with others. It's beneficial to figure out what your patterns of distorted thinking are so you can eventually catch yourself before or in the moment.
  • Write down your pessimistic thoughts and designate a time later when you will take time to reflect on them. Don't allow yourself to give thought to the situation until the designated time (Colman).
  • Try taking 20-30 minutes and write about how you visualize your best possible self in one year, five years, or 10 years time. Writing is important with this exercise.
  • Wear a band on your wrist and snap it when you have a negative thought, then shift your thinking to something else. (Dascher, 108).
  • Have a jar in your office for people to place money if they share a negative thought. When someone places money in the jar, help the person determine a more positive way to look at the situation. If nothing else, I bet you get some good laughs out of this exercise.
  • Review your "What went well" and "Gratitude" journal entries.

Helping a pessimist

Considering the negative person approaching you is likely struggling, try to be empathic without enabling the behavior. That being said, if I'm dealing with a time constraint, I often ask if they are wanting to vent or needing my help with solving a problem. I then provide them with a time that works for me so I can mentally prepare myself. While I'm talking with the individual, if a negative statement is made, I ask for the evidence there is to support the statement. Example: "People always listen to you but when I try to say something, no one pays attention." My response might be, "Okay, I hear what you are saying. Let's look at when you were talking while a group of us were eating lunch yesterday. How many people said something in response to your comment about being excited about moving to India next year?" Trust me, the light bulb won't necessarily click on. As a matter of fact, you will likely hear, "Yea, but that was one time. That's not how things usually go for me." Helping this person dispute thinking will take time and more than one instance. Patience. If you really want to help this individual, which will likely help all of you in the work environment, practice patience with this individual.
Before ending the discussion, tell the person you want to end on a positive note. Ask what has been going well for the individual or what they feel grateful for over the past few weeks. People who are struggling have a hard time with this so have a few things in mind that you've noticed.

Pessimism on social networking

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Facebook conducted a study where they looked at how someone posting about the weather would affect the mood and types of responses in areas where the weather was not the same.
The researchers found that for every negative post, there were an extra 1.29 negative posts than normal in that person’s social network. Happy posts had an even stronger effect, with every upbeat statement causing an extra 1.75 positive posts in the social network. It should be noted some of these researchers were Facebook employees (Maldonado).
These results should make you consider your friends on social networking. Think about your friends who make you laugh daily via social networking and how even if you are not sure how to respond, you have the urge to join in on the fun. Sadly, we all know people who seem to only post negativity. Could they possibly complain any more? What does this do for you? Think about how you react. I know that I have quite strong reactions, like clenching my jaw, feeling a bit nauseous, thinking about the post longer than I'd like, and tensing my shoulders. As you read above, many have an urge to post a negative response to fuel the negativity. Which type of people do you want affecting your mood? On Facebook you can "unfollow" people. By unfollowing pessimists, they are still your friends but you won't see their daily negativity. You can check their page every so often and like their positive posts, if you can find any. You have enough stress in your daily life, keep social networking lighthearted. If you are guilty of daily negative posts, try for the next week to post only positive posts and see how many more likes and positive reactions you receive. How do you feel in comparison to getting reactions from negative posts? 
There are clear benefits to working on increasing levels of optimism in your life. Where will you begin?

Akhtar, Miriam. Positive Psychology for Overcoming Depression: Self-help Strategies for Happiness, Inner Strength and Well-being. London: Watkins, 2012. Print.
Colman, Jessica, MAPP. 
Optimal Functioning: A Positive Psychology Handbook. N.p.: Colman, 2010. Electronic.
Fredrickson, Barbara, PhD. "Positive Psychology." Coursera. University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. Mar. 2015. Lecture.
Fredrickson, Barbara, PhD. "Positivity Test." 
Positivity. Fredrickson, 2009. Web. 27 Apr. 2016. <https://www.positivityratio.com/index.php>.
Keltner, Dacher. 
Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life. New York: W.W. Norton, 2009. Print.
Maldonado, Marissa. "The Anxiety of Facebook." 
PsychCentral. N.p., 2015. Web. 27 Apr. 2016. <http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-anxiety-of-facebook/>.
Lyubomirsky, Sonja. 
The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. New York: Penguin, 2008. Print.
O'Hanlon, Bill, and Bob Bertolino. 
The Therapist's Notebook on Positive Psychology: Activities, Exercises, and Handouts. New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge, Taylor & Francis Group, 2012. Print.
Peterson, Christopher. 
A Primer in Positive Psychology
. Oxford: Oxford UP, 2006. Print.

Top image is mine and edited using Font Candy / Second image is the Facebook logo that I edited on Font Candy

​

Importance of Sexual Education

4/12/2016

Comments

 
Sexual Education is a source of stress for educators and parents. I will be spending the next few months writing blogs on this topic on my teen page, which will be beneficial for you to read, as well. Sexual Education doesn't start at puberty. Your reaction to your baby playing with his penis or her vulva is educating your child. As is your view of playing "doctor" or teaching your child about "safe" touches in pre-school. Sexual Education doesn't end in high school, as many young adults will more actively explore their sexuality at university. They could also face circumstances, like walking across a campus at night or going to large parties where vulnerability sometimes becomes very real. Perhaps they see friends involved in abusive relationships. They might directly enter the work force and find themselves facing sexual harassment. Your role in this challenging area of development is an important one. Ensuring your kids have a number of adults you all trust is key. Sadly, they will not always go to you, even if you are typically their biggest ally and confidant.
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In each blog on the teen page, I will provide links that I have used while teaching Sexual Education. They are links you can trust to be informative and appropriate. I'm trained as an International School Counselor so I'm very aware that some topics are taboo in various cultures. I'm not going to avoid these topics because I'm trying to provide a safe link to help teens to be informed. I have taught this topic for 20 years and I have heard from teens in every place I've lived that if their parents don't talk to them or they are too embarrassed to talk to their parents, they try to find answers on the Internet and by watching pornography. As an example, go to Google images and type "porn teens psychology" and see what pops up if your child was trying to find out if watching porn is a problem. Even if kids aren't actively seeking out porn or information about sex, you'd be surprised what pops up as advertisements while they are playing games online or watching video clips.
I hope the teen blogs provide you with an avenue to start discussions. Get that conversation going about which adults you trust to provide confidential, accurate information without judgment.
Feel free to send me links you find educational and helpful and I'll try to incorporate them in my blogs. Contact me if you need a Skype session to develop your Sexual Education program in school or if you need help planning a talk with your child.
Image:
​Parker, Imogen. "Young People, Sex and Relationships: The New Norms."
IPPR. N.p., n.d. Web. 11 Apr. 2016.

​
Comments
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    I like to share brief, researched tips to help people lead a balanced life. Typically I send ideas via emails to expat teachers or students where I work.  I've decided to share to a larger audience. While some parts of my blogs will clearly be geared toward expat educators, many shared ideas will be generic tips that apply to anyone. ​

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